[USER]

A few months ago my partner and I had a disagreement when it came to house shopping. It could’ve been just timing. But the words that he spoke shook me.

He ultimately said I was not in a financial position to request / demand that I become co owner of our next house.

Our current house he purchased before I had kids 3 years ago. I figured okay whatever we have time to figure out our commitment level because he seems nervous about my financial outlook.

Anyways he’s looking for a house in a more expensive area for our 2 kids. They are 2 and 6 mo. And I causally said … im buying this house with you right?

His answer is – do you have 100,000?

I get stuck with his approach. Because in my view whether or not I have down payment does not preclude me from being owner of a house.

I can get money. Whether it is 100k I don’t know. Probably if I have to.

Background:
I am 41 and he is 45. We got together later in life. He lived very frugally all his life. I didn’t. He went to college immediately and worked full-time and went to college full-time.

He has saved and is probably able to retire early.
I had fun in my 20s and college took a long time.

I only started earning and being able to save less than a decade ago.

I earn 140k plus bonus and he earns more than me. Together we earn over 300k. I only have 100k in 401k and am trying to catch up.

We are not married. I did not think I was going to get pregnant at 39 and thought I needed ivf. Then I was blessed with my kids.

I worry about my financial future being technically single and with kids as laws aren’t behind me but me bringing this up he told me I am only worried about myself and he’s worried about our kids going to a good school.

[Faith]

I’m sad that you had children with this person. I would hold off on making any further future plans with him if I were you.

And make sure he is putting in equal work around the house including buying food, cooking, laundry, watching the kids etc since he wants to keep count.

[Brian]

You had children 3 years ago and he hasn’t married you yet. I’m sorry to say it seems like he’s already been showing how much he values you.

[M]

Someone may have already said this but.. get out now. He is going to teach your children that it’s ok to treat people like this.

Walk away fast.

[Tiaryn]

I don’t necessarily think he’s in the wrong, but I do think it’s really important for you two to have a serious conversation around financial expectations because it doesn’t sound like that has happened.

Unless you get married, you aren’t entitled to co-own what he has told you will be his property.

[Paige]

I agree with other commenters saying this is a red flag and he does not see you as a partner and equal.

I won’t repeat what others have said but will just add that my now husband and I bought our first house together before we were married (though we were engaged as I would not buy a house with someone without long term commitment).

I put in $100k of our down payment and he put in $10k because I have always been a saver and he has not.

It is BOTH of our house. We’re in this together.

[Kelvin]

Tell him if you are not on title to the house then you are not going to contribute to the mortgage payment.

Use that money toward your investments and do not list him as a beneficiary on any of your accounts.

[Priscilla]

IMO, I don’t necessarily agree with many of the other comments. If the shoes was on the other foot, we’d applaud you for being smart.

I can’t speak for his character, but I wanted to share another opinion/solution since everyone is so quick to say “drop him”.

I had a similar scenario with my partner and we wrote up a contract when we bought our home which stipulated a timeframe for repayment.

Until then, we owned the house in percentages based on how much we forked out at purchase.

We’ve been here for 4 years now and my partner has replenished the portion I “loaned him” so the next step is putting the home in the name of a trust/trusts so each of us can dictate what we want to happen to our portion of ownership.

Partners aren’t always going to align in every aspect.

I think you need to ask yourself how much you value yourself and whether he truly values you as an equal partner.

[Irina]

You carried and brought his children to this world and he doesn’t want to share a house with you?

Something is very very off here with this commitment to you.

[Phil]

I wouldn’t put and of your money towards the house. Let that be on him and invest your money else where.

You’ll prob make better returns in the S&P anyway. I’d keep his name off those accounts and max them out if he wants to play that game.

Sorry to hear your situation as it doesn’t sound like you’re happy in it.

A partnership in love doesn’t have to equate to 50% each fiscally but hopefully he’s 100% in on love.

[Anna]

You guys need to have a “state of the union” discussion, and figure out “what is this,” and “what are we doing?” Get on the same page.

What do you want? Do you see forever with this man? Who are you to him? You’re clearly the mother to his children, but is this “forever” and he sees you as his wife, or just a companion?

What’s the future of this and why is he hesitating to include you on the home?

What’s the vision here? Don’t settle for playing house and getting screwed, although you kind of already did…

[Eve]

That doesn’t sound like a “partner”. Especially having children with him, he should not speak like this. This would make me extremely nervous.

I would reconsider buy anything with him because he clearly does not see you as a partner.

[Yves]

I’m not an advocate of cohabitation and commingling of assets. But it seems you guys have a healthy partnership.

It seems he doesn’t want the marriage tag due to financial incompatibility.

Why not just stick to what you have? The grass isn’t greener on the other side.

[Iona]

With everyone’s best intentions for this person. This OP asked for financial recommendation, not relationship councelling.

I know this will be an unpopular statement.

[Shariff]

This is the difference between a partner and a spouse. If you aren’t married, that commitment/obligation literally isn’t there.

He also bought the old house before you were married and the proceeds of the old house are being used for the new one (that $100k).

This is an unfortunate drawback of being in a partnership vs a marriage, and I would level the playing field by getting a job/career so you have your own assets, retirement, independence because it doesn’t sound like he’s the one to provide that for you, or get out of this situation all together.

He’s showing you who he is and what you mean to him – so believe him the first time.

[Cindy]

You are making 140k+ year don’t sell yourself short of living at his mercy. He needs to see you on the same level field in partnership.

Though sometime when it come to money or BIG purchases peoples ego and pride get the best of them and they aren’t mindful with their behavior and you have to gently spell it out and clear the air with them.

“Just because I can’t put a large down payment with you right now doesn’t meant I can’t offset it with supplemental principal payments monthly there after etc… together we can pay off the house much sooner” state your contribution and excitement for this suppose to be fun milestone together instead of feeling kicked to the curb

[Pham]

This is a major financial and relationship issue, and you are absolutely right to be concerned about your financial security and future, especially as an unmarried partner with two children.

Here are key areas to consider and actionable steps you can take:

1. Your Partner’s Response is a Red Flag
Your partner’s reaction—“Do you have $100,000?”—suggests that he views homeownership as something that should be financially earned rather than a shared commitment.

While financial responsibility is important, you are raising children together, and your financial security is tied to the well-being of your family.

• If he views you as a long-term life partner, why isn’t he prioritizing shared ownership?

• Is this about protecting his assets, or does he view your financial contribution as insufficient?

• Does he see you as a partner or simply a co-parent who happens to live with him?

His response raises serious questions about how he views your financial and legal standing in this relationship.

2. The Legal Reality – You Are Vulnerable
Since you are not married, you have zero automatic legal

rights to his assets or future wealth in the event of:
• A breakup
• His passing (without legal documentation)
• Financial disputes

If the new house is only in his name, you could be at significant risk down the line.

Even if you contribute to mortgage payments, property appreciation, and home maintenance, you won’t legally own anything unless your name is on the title.

What You Can Do:
1. Clarify Ownership Before Any Purchase
• If you’re contributing financially, you need a legal stake in the home.

• If he refuses, ask yourself: Why does he want to keep ownership separate despite having children together?

2. Consider a Co-Ownership Agreement
• This contract can outline:
• How much each person contributes.
• Ownership percentage.
• What happens if you separate.

3. Check Your State’s Laws
• In some states, unmarried partners who contribute can claim equity later, but it’s hard to enforce without a written agreement.

3. Your Financial Future & Independence
You’re making good money ($140K + bonus), but you need financial safeguards. He may be focused on getting the best school district for the kids, but you still need to ensure your financial security.

Action Steps:
• Increase Your Own Assets
• Maximize 401k contributions and consider a Roth IRA.
• Build an emergency fund (6+ months of expenses).
• Consider a side investment (rental property, stocks, or index funds) in your name.

• Consider Marriage or a Legal Agreement
• If you don’t want to marry, have a legal document outlining financial commitments and protections.

• Estate planning is critical—if something happens to him, will you and the kids have financial security?

• Protect Yourself for Parenting Expenses
• Since you are unmarried, you may not have automatic child support or rights to assets if you separate.

• You may need a written financial agreement for child support, just in case.

4. Communication & Relationship Considerations
His approach seems transactional, and that’s concerning. If he respects you as a life partner, he should want you to be financially secure.

If he’s treating this purely as a financial decision, you need to ask whether this is truly an equal partnership.

How to Approach the Conversation:
1. Stay Calm & Be Direct
• “I understand your desire to get the best home for our kids. But I also need to think about my financial security. How can we ensure both?”

• “If we’re making financial decisions together, I need legal and financial protection as well.”

2. Ask About Future Commitment
• “If we are not married, how do we ensure our financial security as a family?”

3. Gauge His Willingness to Compromise
• If he completely shuts down discussions about financial fairness, this may indicate deeper problems in the relationship.

Final Thoughts
You Are Right to Be Concerned.
Your financial security is at risk if you move into another house that is only in his name. You need legal protection.

Action Steps to Take:
1. Insist on being on the title if you are contributing.
2. Consider a co-ownership agreement or legal documentation.
3. Maximize your own savings & investments.
4. Have a serious discussion about long-term financial fairness.
5. If he refuses financial fairness, reconsider your relationship dynamics.

You are raising two children together—this should be a team effort, not just his financial decision.

If he refuses to see that, it may indicate deeper issues in how he views your role in this relationship.

You deserve financial security and respect as a partner.

[Mindi]

Sorry to be blunt but I wouldn’t put you on title of the house either. This relationship doesn’t sound like it’s going to last a long time so I would figure out your escape plan and how to support yourself in the future.

At best you could be a longtime tenant in his house.

[Mille]

Be very very careful. I married into a similar situation and now 20 years later it’s put me in a terrible position.

I would seek a consultation with an attorney.

[Valerie]

Exactly how much did he pay you for carrying and giving birth to his children? With his mindset this is a reasonable question.

If the answer is zero, give him a bill. (I suggest $150K per kid starting point) Double it if you had any pregnancy complications, long labor, or difficulty afterwards.

I’m guessing you paid all of your own medical bills and took time off work with each pregnancy/delivery. Women earn less over a lifetime for each child. Men don’t.

I would not under any circumstances move into a house with him, especially under the terms listed.

You make enough to support yourself.

Go for child support.

[Kaila]

I’m not qualified to have an opinion on the financial aspect, but what I notice is you said “I” had kids. You did not say “we” had kids. I also see you mention “our kids”, so I infer that he is their father.

So, unless you stole his sperm and self-impregnated, I’m confused as to how you had children by yourself.

Using the singular instead of plural puts a question on how you each view your partnership

Personally, I’d say that the incubating, birthing and caregiving of these children is equal to the $100k he cited.

You have more to work through than just finances.

[Author]

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