[USER]

Anyone have a similar experience to this regarding your spouses family? My in laws are financially successful individuals.

They do not spend money frivolously- but they like doing things occasionally that are very high end, nice dinners, events, etc.

Recently, the kids (ie my spouse & siblings) have decided to “treat” their mom and dad by surprising to pay the tab at dinner for the family, for example.

The in laws have never asked for this, and to be honest I don’t think even like it.

The money isn’t out of reach for us for things like this, but it is significantly more than we would spend on our own for similar events.

My spouse feels obligated to participate, and has already tried to approach the topic with the siblings- but together we are not in favor whats happening.

Anyone gone through a similar experience and what did you do?

[Michael]

While you shouldn’t be obligated to participate, how much does it really cost to chip in to help pay for the two parents?

Seems like this is going to be a one time nice gesture for them and I cant imagine that your contribution to assist in paying for the parents portion will actually impact you.

[Stacey]

“That is not in our budget”
The End.

[Bill]

Yeah, stop that. Your in laws hate it. It’s not a gift to them.

[Shirley]

How about your spouse’s siblings treat their parents to a nice meal (sounds like it’s more their idea anyway) and you and your spouse do something else for the parents that is also nice but more within your budget?

Just tell the siblings you are going to do your own thing.

[Eric]

I haven’t been through it but it seems like a nice gesture. I have lots of friends and family who have way more than I do but I always want to try to treat them sometimes because they are always so willing to treat me.

I want to contribute in some way or let them know how grateful I am to be treated.

On the other hand I have some friends who I’ve always treated and it gets kind of irritating that it’s become expected now of me.

[Jennel]

Is this a one time thing or something they plan to do often? My husband and I will pay at least once when we visit his family.

His parents or grandparents usually always pay.

I don’t like always being on the receiving end of things.

[Cecile]

If you can afford to help pay for your parents’ dinners, why not? I grew up in a culture where once we’re grown up, we treat our parents to dinners when we go out with them.

I don’t consider it a burden, its a privilege for me.

[Jennifer]

IMO their income should not be considered in this.. if that was the case should we just not do nice things for people who earn over a certain amount?

It’s a nice gesture and if it’s not going to hurt your budget, what’s one dinner split between x amount of people? As my mother always says, “how important is it?”

Is you backing out of the group gift really worth saving the money?

[Emily]

Wait, whoa, this is a gift, right? And split between many (several?) people?

I’m in a very similar situation as you, and yes, my husband and I have ABSOLUTELY paid for a dinner that was way outside of our normal dinner budget as a gift to them.

[Sarah]

Sounds like it’s time to tell the server you’ll be on your own tab, and leave the posturing to others.

[Mea]

This is what I’m understanding. Your in laws have a good amount of money and although they are frugal they occasionally like nice dinners.

Do you and your husband normally pay your own way or do they pay everyone’s bill? Occasional the kids are treating them by paying for their meals.

If you don’t want to be part of it just tell the siblings it’s not in your budget. Otherwise treat your in laws because you want to.

Everyone enjoys to be treated now and then.

[Marcia]

It seems like there should be more up front communication about who is taking who to dinner and then people can pick places of the appropriate budget when they are paying and everyone can be comfortable with it.

This “surprise” factor seems to be the issue with everyone.

[Shatel]

How much is the dinner, cause if it’s a one time thing, why can’t yall participate?

If yall don’t want to participate, then don’t go!

[Deidra]

Do you have an idea or the cost? Because the cost of a “high end dinner” could mean a lot of different things to people, and could be a very wide range of amounts in the same restaurant depending on beverage choices.

If it’s not going to make or break your budget, I wouldn’t put up a fuss.

This is really between your husband and his siblings.

[Aparna]

This is something which would be very norm and common in Indian culture. Grown-ups do stuff for their parents all the time and for big events, usually split the bill.

When one child is not in favor of something planned, they may put in a smaller share or choose to do something different.

Your spouse should talk to his siblings.

[Amy]

I would try to make this just a one time annual thing like on their anniversary. Articulate to them that the kids would like to do something special for them ahead of time so everyone knows what’s going on.

Tell siblings you’d like to contribute/do this on their anniversary only so there’s no confusion/awkwardness at the table.

Speak up and make a plan about it. My mom is 85 and when I visit she lays down who’s who and what’s what when it comes to the table lol.

My sister & I kind of make fun but it’s actually helpful so everyone is on the same page.

[Maureen]

It sounds like they value the time together with a good meal. If you are inclined to contribute to any gift for them, they will immensely enjoy it.

My parents often treated all of us (+30) to expensive meals.

We in turn occasionally treated them to an equally, but smaller occasion (my minus grand kids).

We were paid triple in their love for giving them the gift of time with their children (us adults)

[Twa]

Do they pay for you and your husband meal when you go out to dinner with them? You can’t always be on the receiving end of a good dinner.

[Kristin]

If it’s not in your budget, then be honest and say that. If it’s within your budget, then, let’s be honest… it’s hard to come up with things to do for older adults who already have everything they need.

It’s a small price to pay to get everyone together, and $400/couple divided between multiple siblings surely won’t make or break you if you are only doing it occasionally.

The truth is, if they really “hate” it as much as you think they do, then they could probably make an excuse not to go, beat you guys to the bill, ask for a split tab, or find some other way around or out of it.

Ultimately, it’s time together… which is irreplaceable. I would just go with the flow.

[Author]

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