[USER]

need financial help, hive of financial savvy minds would be such a huge help. Ok my husband has been spending money behind my back. I found out about a cc with almost $6k on it.

Hes zeroed out his 401k as well. 99% of it is on a mobile game.

This isn’t the first time he’s spent money without telling me. I’ve had random cc pop up in the past that we’ve payed off and now I just don’t see a future change in behavior.

I consider this financial infidelity.

We have 2 kids, and a house with a mortgage. I want a divorce. I can’t continue doing this. I have goals and dreams that include being debt free and just happy.

I’ve never pulled out of my 401k but I’m thinking about this being an exception. I hate the thought of it but I don’t see another option really.

I make enough on my own to pay for the bare essentials housing car payment insurance and groceries but can’t afford a lawyer without doing so.

This is all new (1 week) no child support yet I’m worried. Will someone tell me if this decision makes the most sense?

Im 36f I only have $86k in 401k. I know I’m already behind but I’ve been trying so hard to play catch up. I make $62k yearly. Kids are young 8 and 9.

Thank you to any and all advice and feedback. Im broken right now so please be kind

[Robert]

Given my own lack of success in relationships (engaged twice, but both ended unsuccessfully) I’m not sure I’m the best authority as far as relationships per se are concerned. But we here to help people so I will give it a shot.

First off, if you are in fact, “broken”, that’s not the best mindset with which to make a decision.

I would give yourself a cooling off period of a week or two; and then start consulting with divorce attorneys.

From what I understand most divorce attorneys will do either a free 30 minute consultation; or a low cost initial consultation. You can find them either via Mr.

Google; or depending upon where you live your state or city might have a bar association that would have a list of attorneys who concentrate their practices in family law.

I would have several consultations with several attorneys; but do not be too surprised if you hear largely the same things from most of them; to a certain extent, all lawyers go to the same school.

Once these folks have laid out your options for you; you’ll have a better sense of where you can go and how to get there.

The other thing you might want to consider- unless you firmly and completely believe that the marriage is irretrievably broken- is after you’ve had several consultations; you and your husband meet somewhere (not in the house; you need a “neutral” meeting ground) and lay it out for him like a rug.

(I advise you to use a pad of lined paper, wherein you list everything of a financial nature that has gone wrong in the marriage), and then indicate to him that you’ve spoken with several attorneys; and he either changes his ways- and allows you to control the family finances – or you and your children are moving on.

Sometimes a bucket of cold water in the face might be just a thing to change someone’s behavior; but if he cannot, or will not change his behavior, then I would advise that you and your children move on.

Yes, it will be difficult; and yes, lawyers are expensive; you might have to draw something out of your 401(k), unless you could get help from family members.

Divorce is usually inexpensive; unless it involves children and property, both of which you have together.

However, from what I understand, the trend in family law over the last couple of decades has been to more collaborative-type resolutions of dissolving marriages, as opposed to the traditional adversarial approach that used to characterize family law…

In part because collaborative-type resolutions seem to be much less expensive. But you and he can cross that bridge if you come to it.

As far as recovering financially …. I’m not gonna sugarcoat it for you. A single woman with two kids, only making 62 grand a year; even with child support… It will not be easy.

But a lot of people have been knocked down and have gotten back up and our continuing their journey towards FIRE.

For now, please consider the advice I’ve given and go from there.

[Lenard]

Are you saying he’s spending big time money on a mobile video game? Are you able to talk to him and take over every account and come to an agreement that if either of you want to spend over $100 you talk about it first?

What other things does he swipe the card for if anything else?

[Julie]

In my state (Oregon), you can get a divorce without a lawyer. You file the paperwork with the fee ($215 in my case), 2 1/2 weeks later I was divorced.

Maybe that’s something you can look into.

[John]

If you divorce him now you will probably be responsible for 1/2 his debt and he gets 1/2 your IRA.

If you wait and device him later you will own 1/2 of a larger debt. And 1/2 a larger IRA.

[Gretchen]

You are right to divorce as you are being abused financially. Do not listen to anyone who says there is hope and that you should give another chance.

You will spend the rest of your life paranoid that he’s wasting money again.

I was divorced at 45 with 4 young kids bc my then- husband was unfaithful. I wasn’t sure how I’d make it.

I’m now 6 years out and thriving financially, professionally, and emotionally.

My girls are well provided for and our walls sing. Just sharing that in the hopes that it will encourage you during this very dark and scary time.

[Tanya]

It sounds like an addiction.. can he get help for it or are you done? Does he get any spending money? If done, you can always file yourself or with the help of paralegals who know the forms.. not as expensive.. if he puts up a fight, you may need an attorney.

Divoring with kids is a pain with the parenting plan and all the rules that go into it. Most states are 50/50 custody.

And depending on your state, he may be entitled to half your 401k even if he spent his.. as well you’ll get half his debt.. so… call around for free consults with an attorney and get their advice.

As a side note, I divorced my anchor 3.5 years ago.

I’ve built myself back up after he took half, have primary custody of kids, just got back from a nice vacation with kids and he’s about to claim bankruptcy… it is what it is.

Join a divorce support group!

[Yaj]

I’m in a somewhat relatable situation but he didn’t do that behind my back and promised not to do that again…

you might want to get deeper into his motivations.

We went deep to figure out the underlying reasons and it was very helpful.

[Luna]

Pull your credit report ASAP to make sure he didn’t open anything under your name. You may want to freeze it as well.

Consult with a bunch of attorneys to decide if you actually need one and the cost.

Try not to pull from your 401k, if possible, unless you absolutely don’t have any other recourse whatsoever.

If you do have to liquidate part of it, it’s an investment in your future, which will be much brighter once this has passed.

[Rachel]

FYI – many of those games are fraudulent and rigged. There’s a lawsuit about the fact that they will have you play a former player’s “replay” where the likelihood of winning is incredibly low.

They are frequently scams.

It sounds like he has an addiction either way and unfortunately you need to protect yourself and your kids.

[Brannan]

You’re definitely still young enough to start over. Even after divorce fees you should come out on top! Start saving now, but yeah, this is not something to stick around for, I agree.

[Author]

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