How can I help my 22-year-old manage a shopping addiction and debt?

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  • #117161 Reply
    USER

      I am seeking guidance on how to support my 22-year-old, who is struggling with a shopping addiction that has resulted in substantial debt and an ongoing inability to manage spending.

      Their self-esteem seems to be intimately tied to projecting an image of wealth, often through the purchase of luxury brand items and excessive gift-giving.

      What advice can you offer on how to address this issue?

      Are there any recommended books or podcasts that could help my child reevaluate their spending habits and develop a more responsible approach to financial management?

      Although therapy appears to be a necessary step, my child currently lacks the time and financial means to access it.

      #117162 Reply
      Cheryl

        The reality is that if they are not ready to seek treatment, it’s not going to happen. Addiction is not something that you can love away. If it were, my 30yo daughter would have been sober years ago.

        She made the decision to go to rehab late August 2024 and is now over 4 months sober.

        She’s doing the work herself, I’m just holding space and being as supportive as she wants me to be.

        If you are financially enabling them now by covering any bills or bailing them out, though, you can stop that. We can’t save them from themselves, as much as we deeply want to.

        Since their issue is financial, focus on your part in that. If they need money, do you give it to them? If so, you can change that.

        If you are giving them money to ward off bill collection or utility shut off, maybe redirect that help to therapy since they can’t afford it.

        Everyone can make time for therapy – you can even get it online. Help them learn to sell their used luxury items to pay for therapy, or bills, instead of paying the bill yourself.

        If you are enabling them, you may want to seek therapy on your own to learn how you are enabling and the best ways to support them and keep yourself healthy.

        #117163 Reply
        Allison

          Agree with therapy. If she can spend time/money shopping, she can spend time on bettering herself.

          As far as practical steps… she needs to go old school Dave Ramsey. Cash only budget, no credit cards.

          Credit cards should be cut up and locked from future spending. Credit should be locked so she can’t open new ones.

          Delete every shopping app and auto login on her phone/internet browser.

          Delete social media as apparently she’s comparing herself or using it to show off. Start selling items she’s already bought.

          #117164 Reply
          Melissa

            Not sure if this would help, but it makes a point and is on the “fun” not “preachy” side of things.

            Maybe watch it yourself first “Confessions of a Shopaholic”….

            It’s a romantic comedy with a good point.

            #117165 Reply
            Amanda

              Could you facilitate telehealth therapy? They often have non-traditional hours available, and can be done from the car over lunch break or between classes, etc.

              If their insurance doesn’t cover something, maybe you could pay out of pocket.

              I would hesitate to say they don’t have time for therapy when they have plenty of time for shopping and gift giving – this behavior can be an addiction, so can’t vs.

              won’t is an important difference. You can’t force someone out of addiction, but you can try to support them and protect them as best as you can.

              #117166 Reply
              Kyle

                I find Rahmit Sethi’s podcast valuable in providing insight on ways to think about money.

                Now his financial advise isn’t exactly in line with the FI community, but I personally get a lot of value in listening to the many different perspectives that are dissected in the shows.

                #117167 Reply
                Julia

                  Do they have ADHD by any chance? Impulsive shopping and lower self esteem are common with this condition.

                  #117168 Reply
                  Kendal

                    Get them off of social media and the problem will likely correct itself

                    #117169 Reply
                    Stacy

                      Book a trip to a third world country.
                      A week in Nicaragua when I was about 25 cured me from the misconceptions of wants v needs.

                      And try to encourage natural dopamine … time in the sun, a walk, etc.

                      #117170 Reply
                      Misha

                        Overcoming overspending is a good podcast and I think the host does coaching.

                        Along with therapy, that could be helpful.

                        #117171 Reply
                        Lynnea

                          The solution probably requires therapy and possibly medication, as well as the support of family and friends.

                          #117172 Reply
                          Ella

                            It’s so hard. This generation is getting bombarded in any possible way. Social media is constantly targeting them/us through ads and a push to over-consume.

                            I have been there myself…. This list is NOT a replacement for therapy but a great first step toward healing:

                            – The book “To Buy or Not to Buy: Why We Overshop and How to Stop Paperback – December 30, 2008 by April Lane Benson PhD” It’s on Amazon and it has some fantastic exercises like a shopping journal and key questions to understand the why.

                            -The book “Atomic Habits” and his class on Masterclass is incredible for breaking/building any habits.

                            – Have them study/understand their triggers. For examples, if their trigger is social media, they can deactivate clothing/fashion ads in their social media platforms.

                            If their trigger is IG Influencers, they may have to unfollow their favorites until they can regulate.

                            If their trigger is a certain group of friends, it may be time to build a new social circle, etc.

                            – Shopping addiction is tied to Dopamine, so they can learn how to increase dopamine naturally (google this one. it’s too long to type it).

                            Compulsion Shopping is often a stress-release or copying mechanism so by learning other ways to address that stress they can basically *REPLACE* the habit with something healthier.

                            – Suggest them to track every little expense they makes in a shopping journal.

                            They needs to write down everything, what triggered them, what time of the day (i.e. middle of the night after scrolling on Tiktok?), how did they feel before and after.

                            This will help her to understand their patterns.

                            – Have an accountability person. A therapist, a friend, etc.

                            someone they can talk without fearing of being humiliated or judged.

                            #117173 Reply
                            Bridget

                              Look for a sliding scale therapist. I used to see one for $40/session which is very manageable.

                              #117174 Reply
                              Crystal

                                The millionaire next door book comes to mind, as does the psychology of money, and even quit like a millionaire.

                                Seems (like many) they are not aware of the true value of money.

                                #117175 Reply
                                Lisa

                                  And she needs to start paying rent, if she lives with you. Today. Just save it for her for when she’s able to manage her addiction.

                                  #117176 Reply
                                  Nicole

                                    Is it just shopping or are their other concerns for rash and risky behaviors could be worth getting a mental health evaluation for bipolar disorder too.

                                    If it’s just shopping lots of other great recommendations on the thread I see already!

                                    #117177 Reply
                                    Kerri

                                      Therapy. You can give them books, podcasts, etc. until there are no more to give. If it’s truly an addiction, then therapy is needed to address why their self esteem is tied to the spending.

                                      The spending is a symptom of a deeper issue going on, and it’s unlikely to stop until that is addressed.

                                      #117178 Reply
                                      Rahmah

                                        As a Life Coach I recommend addressing the low self esteem. The low self confidence is showing up in every area of their life and it sounds like it is the root cause of the problem.

                                        Does your child want help? Do they recognize that it’s a problem?

                                        Therapy and/or life coaching can be a big help, but they have to want the help.

                                        #117179 Reply
                                        Lisa

                                          Most communities offer free mental health services, and that is really what is needed. There is no book to read that is going to manage this.

                                          If I were the parent, this is what I would insist on if the child relied on me for any financial support, including housing, giving me influence.

                                          Yes, I would force it to save their future.

                                          #117180 Reply
                                          Kristine

                                            you need to not enable them if you are paying their bills, etc. You might try Al-Anon for yourself so you can learn how to detach with love and use tough love and let them suffer the consequences of their addiction.

                                            #117181 Reply
                                            Amy

                                              The book, But First Save 10, might resonate with them. I considered that book for my niece as a graduation gift but decided she wouldn’t relate to the book’s approach.

                                              The author addresses the reader with an assumption the reader is spending frivolously on things they can’t afford.

                                              The book may resonate with your young adult.

                                              #117182 Reply
                                              Pam

                                                Maybe try a financial advisor that can help her set a budget, goals for driving down debt, and goals for savings, and hold her accountable.

                                                She still needs a healthy relationship with money so maybe she can wait a bit for counseling, but counseling would probably be the best for long term success.

                                                #117183 Reply
                                                Wendy

                                                  Social media is probably the culprit. It reinforces algorithms that echo what they watch. So, all they see is examples of these values and, as a social creature, imitation is the natural reaction.

                                                  Giving them a book probably won’t help. Since they are an adult, your influence is limited.

                                                  If you can regularly point them to compelling social media showing financial responsibility, happiness based on gratitude and minimalism, mindfulness, and cute dog memes, you might be able to tweak the algorithm and affect what they are seeing.

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