[USER]

Anyone struggle with a partner who’s lax about finances? Numerous times my husband has made decisions that cost us, although not his fault as he struggles with depression.

For example my husband recently went to the Emergency Department for a depressive episode including with ambulance.

I have a good job with comprehensive health insurance which covers him.

He shortly after lost his job as he was trying to cope with balancing his psychotherapy sessions and putting in the hours for his remote job.

I am very understanding and supported him, working extra hours on the weekend to pay for childcare and the lost income while he could focus on his mental health and starting his own business.

However I just asked him to help us send in a marriage certificate/documents so my health insurance can verify his coverage.

It’s been a month and I’ve had to constantly remind him to follow up about the documents and today he said he hasn’t sent in the envelope for the marriage certificate to be mailed, but he will do it today.

It is hard as I feel I have to be the one constantly vigilant about these things.

I told him that the health insurance is part of his own financial life that he needs to be responsible for. He got upset at my tone, accused me of not loving him and started breaking down and slamming the driver’s wheel.

This has happened in the past. I don’t know what to do to protect myself financially.

[Angela]

This situation is less about financial lax but more about his mental health and how you can support him.

I’m not sure what your past experience is with people who are depressed or going through an episode but it’s a big deal.

Depression can be crippling to everyday tasks so expecting someone who is experiencing this to be on top of important tasks that impact health insurance is not appropriate imo. You could have mailed that document right away.

Being with someone who struggles with mental illness takes a lot of work.

A therapist would be a great step and then deciding if this person is someone you are capable of supporting through their episodes.

[Robert]

Part of my job here is a moderator is tough love; but at the same time; I have a number of family members whom I care for greatly; who also battle mental illnesses; and I would not wish that on my worst enemy, so I’m gonna temper my usual tough love….. or at least make an effort to do so.

As far as struggling with a partner who was lax about finances; I had to walk away from my engagement, 2 1/2 years ago; because she had no conception of the term “ financially responsible behavior.” There were other issues, but that was the main one….. and she had modeled for PLAYBOY magazine.

(I’m not making that up.) But I did not believe she was going to change.

You have the added challenge of someone who is mentally ill; and there’s no doubt in my mind that you want to stay with him and keep your family together; but I think you need to take a very clear-eyed look at what your future and your family’s future is gonna be like if he cannot or will not take the appropriate steps to address his mental illness.

If he does not take the appropriate steps; your situation is either going to stay the same; or it’s going to get worse.

I think you have to ask yourself what kind of life you want for yourself and your family not simply today and tomorrow but 10; 20; 30 years from now.

I don’t know if the two of you have tried counseling or not; I understand counseling would be beneficial, but only in limited situations and I don’t think counseling will be beneficial at all if a person will not change.

You are in a difficult position and I frankly do not see easy answers, or quick solutions to this matter if your husband is unwilling to change.

[Stef]

I’m sorry this is happening to you and your family. He is not well. I would not let him drive me, I would not have important discussions if he’s driving, I would not rely on him to do important things.

The only way you can protect yourself from his actions or inactions is to recast the situation where you are removed from the reach of his actions or inactions.

[FS]

Your situation is emotionally and financially complex, particularly with your husband’s struggles with depression and the impact on your shared responsibilities.

Here are actionable suggestions to address both your financial and emotional concerns while supporting your husband’s health:

1. Financial Protection for Yourself

• Separate Emergency Fund: Maintain a separate account with at least 3-6 months of essential expenses as a safety net.

• Primary Financial Responsibility: Take ownership of critical financial tasks like health insurance submissions to avoid lapses, even if it feels unfair. This ensures your family’s financial stability.

• Legal Safeguards: Consider meeting with a financial advisor or attorney to understand your options for protecting shared assets if his business or decisions result in financial risks (e.g., liabilities, debts).

2. Delegation Strategies for Your Husband

Depression can make task completion overwhelming. Break tasks into simpler, manageable steps:

• Set Deadlines and Reminders: Use shared apps like Google Calendar or task management apps (e.g., Todoist) to set reminders for specific deadlines.

• Delegate Low-Stakes Tasks: Focus on tasks where delays won’t have severe consequences, giving him a sense of contribution without overwhelming him.

• Follow-Up Plan: If he struggles to complete critical tasks, agree in advance that you’ll take over after a set time.

3. Addressing Emotional Reactions

Your husband’s reaction (e.g., slamming the wheel) is concerning. It suggests underlying frustration or shame that could be addressed with the help of a therapist.

• Therapy: Encourage couples therapy to navigate communication challenges and reduce emotional blowups. His individual therapy should also focus on emotional regulation.

• De-Escalation Techniques: In moments of conflict, step back calmly to avoid escalating tension.

Use phrases like, “I want us to handle this together, but I see this is hard right now. Let’s take a moment.”

4. Supporting His Mental Health Without Overburdening Yourself

• Business Planning: Help him set realistic expectations for his business to avoid financial strain. Encourage a small, gradual start rather than full dependence on it for income.

• Focus on Priorities: Limit additional stressors (e.g., unnecessary financial or social obligations) while his mental health stabilizes

5. Seek External Support

• Family or Friends: If possible, delegate non-financial support (e.g., childcare or errands) to trusted family or friends.

• Professional Help: Work with a financial advisor to create a clear financial roadmap, removing some of the stress from you.
What to Watch For

If your husband’s depression or behaviors begin to threaten your financial or emotional well-being significantly, you may need to prioritize setting boundaries or seeking professional advice to ensure your family’s stability and your own mental health.

Ultimately, balance compassion for his struggles with taking proactive steps to secure your finances and emotional stability.

[Christine]

Divorce. This is not going to get better. He will continue to down spiral. You are taking on ALL the burden. Depression doesn’t go away. Been battling it for 8 years now.

It’s either medication or coping somehow, but it’s always there. His sounds extreme.

I would hate for my kids to grow up seeing this behaviour and the feeling in the home to be unsafe.

[Stefanie]

He needs to be in therapy, both for the depression and possibly with an SLP for executive functions. As you know this is a marital issue, which unresolved, will result in financial abuses.

The only way to fully protect yourself financially is a legal and financial separation.

That doesn’t mean you have to stop cohabiting unless you live in a common law state.

Some other solutions include separating finances (money into joint accounts, bills paid-minus vehicles; personal decisions- and identical personal savings, retirement and spending).

He can then pay for a personal assistant from his personal account balance

This also is an option for financial and (hired help) household inequality and infidelity

[Stephanie]

Not laxed, just sick. I am the financial partner with sometimes severe, mental illness & the one that does the FIRE planning. There have been times my partner has had to take the reins.

For example, he would have sent that envelope the 4th day I didn’t.

I know you were trying to teach a lesson, but you aren’t his mom/teacher you’re his partner and at time his caregiver.

My husband is not going to risk his finances to teach me responsiblility.

We are sick. If his kidneys weren’t working and he was bedridden, you would have sent the envelope. HOWEVER….if he is not working with a therapist, not taking medications AND spending excessively, envelope situation etc….then, that is entirely different.

Consider therapy for yourself how you can teach him those lessons so that it doesn’t burden you and your family.

[Lly]

Another unfortunate example of women doing the emotional labor in a partnership! This is spiraling into abuse!

Get your ducks in a row, separate your money insist on counseling, be ready for a separation.

Do not let him blackmail you emotionally or get behind the wheel of a car with you in the passenger seat.

Good luck.

[Shana]

He needs to be tested for adhd. Could be adhd causing depression. I’m a psychologist.

[Shane]

Good suggestions here, but also does he have A.D.D.? I’m 50 and struggle sometimes but let’s say I’m highly achieved.

I do a lot but I do a lot. Sometimes little things, even though important, do escape me because of all the other minutia going on in our lives or from being exhausted, I just forget.

I need lists upon lists, and reminding, but it’s not because I don’t care or trying to be rude or dismissive of my wife.

Things she does well, I sometimes do not. It doesn’t mean I don’t care, when in fact I do. Some separation of finances as suggested may help you feel more secure.

Is the not sending in the marriage certificate for health insurance the only thing? There’s got to be more building up to this.

[Minner]

This is going to sound cold. But he either needs to get his act straight or you need to protect yourself and get a divorce.

This honestly sounds less like depression, and more like emotional abuse.

[Tara]

There’s a lot of issues with accountability and dependency traits for those who struggle with their mental health. He is struggling but it all starts with him.

I’m sorry you are going through this. This is a long hard road. I’ve been there…

There’s many “new”modalities to help with depression including ketamine therapy, EMDR, microdosing psilocybin, diet’s critical – you can’t go anywhere with depression if you dont start with diet!!!

Sunlight- circadian work, energy work, grounding, the list goes on and on.

It takes an open curious mind and a willingness to get better and not be addicted to your misery and being stuck.

Recovery is not only possible it’s realistic, but again it’s starts with him.

The problem with allopathic medicine is it doesn’t work on root causes and those drugs just keep you pooping those pills.

Think like this, if SSRIs and similar drugs were the end all be all, our country would have a different mental health state, instead we are spiraling the drain year after year.

[Arielle]

This sounds exactly like my ex husband, so I apologize if I am reading into this something that isn’t true.

Yes, he is sick, but he is also an adult. What is he doing to get well?

You said he lost his job trying to balance his psychotherapy sessions and working. Is he still doing therapy?

Is he on medication? If the answer is yes to both, you need to decide if you are ok with taking on the burden when he cannot function fully.

If you decide to stay, you need to get into therapy and build a support system for YOU because being a caretaker to an ill person, regardless of what illness it is, can be soul-crushingly lonely and exhausting.

Let others who love you help pick up some of the slack.

You also need to have an honest conversation with your husband and make a plan for how you will communicate and how you will support each other to the best of your ability. When he is well, he should be taking on more of a balanced role. When he is unwell you (and your support system too!) need to figure out how to divide and conquer. This isn’t the time to go off the cuff or try to take on the whole burden solo. Make a plan and follow it. Structure helps.

If the answer is no, he’s not doing what he needs to do to get well, you need to set a boundary around what he has to do if he wants you to stick around and, most importantly, hold the boundary.

If you decide not to stay, you should still get into therapy because you’re going to feel super guilty – that’s totally normal, but if he was sick with cancer or diabetes and wasn’t caring for himself but expecting you to pick up the slack, I’d say the same thing.

You’re going to put yourself in an early grave trying to take care of him when he’s not even doing the bare minimum.

Most importantly you have to think of your child(ren). I’m lucky enough that my ex and I didn’t have any together so it made our divorce easier (even if I did want kids I just couldn’t in good conscience have a kid with him), but you do.

[Mary]

Both individual and couples therapy. He needs proper diagnosis and probably medical intervention first to get at least minimally functional.

Then, he has to want to fight for his life – literally – which does mean accepting it and putting in effort to share the burden of his health and your shared lives together.

Based on that, will tell you whether you can stay and keep going with him or whether you have to step away and save you and your kids.

The kids must come first and someone needs to be solid for them. Been there. Done this. It sucks.

I’m sorry. Fwiw, when we divorced and the child came with me, he got himself together over a few years and now we are great co-parents and friends and he totally understands and accepts all that has happened.

We are both happily partnered with others and healthy.

[Christina]

Get out. That’s what you can do to protect yourself. People like this drag everyone else down with them because they either aren’t willing to take responsibility for themselves or they can’t due to their condition.

Either way, unless you’re willing to go down with the ship, you need to LEAVE or forever hold your peace.

[Kristin]

Consider if he were laid up in his bed, unable to leave because of his illness, and you asked him to walk over to get the mail. It seems like a small thing, but he literally can’t do it.

Similarly, when someone is suffering from depression, these tasks that seem easy and small to us are gargantuan to them.

Yet we always have a lot more compassion for physical illness than mental illness.

We rail at men for consistently leaving their wives when they are sick with cancer, yet I see a lot of people here suggesting she just up and leave because the burden is high.

I would exhaust all other avenues of potential support before considering a boundary as serious as divorce, unless the situation becomes dangerous.

You have many good suggestions in this thread for ways to do that.

[Author]

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