[USER]

Looking for advice…
About 2 years ago I resigned my previous job to move closer to my parents and help with my mom who has Alzheimers.

I had a job lined up, I am paid well, and got approved to move to a 32 hour week (starting in July) per my request since the job is quite physical and it will give me more time to help with mom.

The move placed me in a lower COL area & state so at full time wages I was living on 60% of my income.

Last week, my previous job reached out and would like me to consider coming back.

The job is less physical, I have 10 years in on their pension and my wage would be about 35k/year more than I will make but needs to be 5 days a week.

COL in that area is higher than where I am now. And distance is not commutable (2.5 hours 1 way in good weather).

So I wouldn’t be able to stay and help with my mom. I could come back on weekends but not every weekend as that would get expensive getting a hotel or Air B&B.

I do not plan on staying here after my parents no longer need me so if I stay I will need to find another job to be nearer to my kids.

I’m NOT doing what my parents did and moving somewhere that they had no reliable support.

[Christina]

For 35k more a year, can you afford to hire in a caregiver? Or does the higher cost of living eat that up?

And will that confuse mom?

[Lauren]

The 2.5 hour commute one way is an automatic no for me. Thats 5 hours on a good day that u are losing out of your day.

25 hours a week! Thats insane, time is money

[Carol]

I say go back and get your job. Do you need your money and a guaranteed your future and as sad as it is, your parents future is pretty much finished.

[Brenda]

My FIL had Alzheimer’s. First of all, I’m sorry your mother has this diagnosis. This is a terrible disease for the person and for the family watching the progression.

I do believe family comes first but, you also need to put yourself first. We hired a 24/7 caregiver to live with my FIL. My husbands 2 brothers live close.

We however, live 3 hours away and had moved during this process due to my husband’s job promotion. I hate to say, depending on how rapid her disease is, will depend on how much care you can give.

My FIL had rapid digression.

He slowly/rapidly did not recognize the boys. He became non responsive if talked to and then, lost bowel, bladder control and wore adult diapers.

All of this happened rapidly over 5 years. If you have anyone close that can help, I would not put your life on hold. At some point, she will only become a shell of herself.

You could travel some weekends to stay in contact with her. Again, I am terribly sorry to say, at some point, she will not even remember you were there. This is where it gets hard for you.

The grandkids did not want to see their grandfather bc they wanted to remember him the way he was.

I’m not suggesting you not see her but, you being the only care giver will takes its toll on your life. Please find help for your mother and father.

Maybe an extended care facility that can take care of both of them. I wish you the best. I hope I did not sound crass in my answer.

There are no easy answers.

God bless you and your parents.

[Lynda]

Any friends, neighbors or maybe someone tho knows someone.
How about church? Maybe they have some people that could help out, at a reduced rate.

I also have the similar situation with both my parents.

I think there is financial help from the system if u are their caregiver you could apply for.

Sorry don’t know more info about that. Please check that out.

[Wendy]

My mom had alzheimers. Staying to care for her is putting a bandage where you need a tourniquet. If when you look at your finances and know that you can retire comfortably then you know you can stay.

You do no good to help your mom and then in turn need help in your future. My mom died of alzheimers.

I took her in my home and cared for her. She went to a nursing home when caring for her started to have serious effects on my families health.

It sounds great to say family first. Which family?

Your kids matter, you matter, so take an honest look at the long term and make a decision you can live with.

[Barbara]

You do not say how old mom is or what stage the Alzheimer’s she is in…..that is an important factor to consider, maybe even more so than the financials.

Alzheimer’s is a heartbreaking disease and one than can quickly accelerate with little to no warning.

Your mom could be fine living at home now and have to go into a facility overnight….I have seen this happen over and over.

One fall and then a hospital visit can trigger the change drastically to having to be in a facility.

Then you will have to take care of one parent in one location and then the other in another location or pay for both to be in a facility for their own care.

You also do not state how old you are and your health. How long will you be able to maintain your “more physical” position while still helping with your parents care?

Do you have any health issues yourself? As you age your own body will let you know that you need to start taking care of yourself….making that less strenuous position more attractive.

This is how I have always tried to look at working…..no job is more important than your family….you can always get a job, but not the time you spend with your family.

A job that takes you more than 20 minutes of travel time can cost you more than the job is worth….my time is more valuable than money.

[Patricia]

Depending on the type of Dementia your Mom has and how many years since her Diagnosis should help with your decision.

How many more years will your Mom be able to live in her current home?

Will she need asssited or long term care in the near future? Would your parents be able move closer to where you could earn more money less strenuously.

Your Mom will probably not know where her home is as her
Dementia progresses.

There is a lot to consider in your work decision.

[Terry]

Take your old job. I’m speaking from experience. I’ve just spent the last 6 months doing a move to be closer to our son. My husband is approaching stage 6 in Alzheimer’s.

This was by far one of the most difficult things I had to do. I had to downsize and got rid of 60% of what we owned. I had to find an over 55 apartment complex.

Get my house ready to sell. I hired professionals to help with the downsizing. I put my husband in memory care for 6 months while I accomplished this task.

It was heartbreaking for me to have to leave my community, friends, church and my beloved home, but, I had no choice. Your dad has two choices. He either gets some help to come in a few days a week.

It is not cheap, by the way. Or, he moves closer to where you will be working.

You have got to think of your future.

[Coral]

Apart from the parents being at an age where a move means all sorts of changes, something they no longer cope well with, you become their SOLE source of support.

My mother found enormous comfort in her 90’s from regular visitors from her church, proximity to old neighbours, her long time doctor, and other health professionals.

I travelled a couple of of hours each way once or twice a week to see her and go to appointments with her, not ideal, but so much better for her.

She had many friends who moved closer to family, and discovered that work, and grand children’s weekend activities, meant they saw a great deal less of them than anticipated, and the loss of all that was familiar was deeply unsettling.

[Elizabeth]

I have a client who’s mom has Alzheimer’s. She was living with him, until he woke up in the middle of the night and found the gas range turned on, flames up high, and his mom outside in the front yard in her nightgown.

She’s now in a 24/7 care facility, safe and well cared for. Sometimes, as much as we want to take care of our parents the way they cared for us while we grew up, it’s not the right thing to do.

Professional help is needed.

Visit on weekends and holidays.

You have your life, too.

[Rita]

I’m an RN who has experienced caring for a family member with dementia. “Cruel” as it sounds, caregivers – you & Dad – come first.

Burnout is real and often caregivers die before the patient.
I’m assuming you currently live with your parents.

From my perspective, here is a “deciding factor” for moving/staying: Do your parents have any outside emotional or physical support other than you?

Does your Dad go out with friends and get out of the house? Do people regularly come to visit them?

If the answer is “no,” then I would move all 3 of you to a 3 BR apartment/house and take the new job.

Reality is that Mom will need to be placed in a nursing home at some point because she will be capable of physical harm to both you and Dad.

The higher brain functions decline, and the person operates on lower brain functions.

This is where they become combative, get objects and try to harm others, and generally throw 2 yo type temper tantrums daily. I’ve lived with it.

In the hospital, it takes 4 of us to handle a 90 pound weakling when they’re in this state.

I don’t know your parent’s financial status, and hope they have had counseling from an elder law attorney so Mom’s care doesn’t drain Dad.

People with dementia have to be “rehomed” eventually so don’t let that stop you. An estate sale company can clean out the house as you/parents would be taking what you need.

If Dad wants to stay put, then you can either stay or hire CNA help 24/7 if you go. Mom’s mental status will only decline.

Perhaps now is a good time to have her medically evaluated so the stage of dementia can be determined.

Do know that institutional care will be absolutely required in 90% of cases.

Dad will be on his own at some point if he stays and you go.

[Fran]

Whatever you decide about moving, please get hospice involved. They helped for at least a year before my mom passed.

Your Dad may be handling it now but it’s an unbelievably difficult journey.

He won’t be able to do it himself. Best of luck to you and your family.

[Francess]

your mom is going to need full time care soon…the kind of care you wont be able to provide for her. take the higher paying job and *IF* you are financially able to, help them financially instead of with time.

you can HIRE caregiving help from people more qualified to attend to her needs.

right now, perhaps all she needs is an AID. perhaps her insurance will cover that cost.

I know you want to help, but there is better help available

[Shelley]

Can you move your parents to the area with the better paying job?

If not, stay with them until no longer needed and tell your previous employer you would love to come back but just cant at this time.

You only have one mom and dad and your time with them is shortening quickly.

[Loretta]

Are you able to move your mom closer to where you are? That way, you can take the job you had with higher pay and have her near you

[Jen]

As someone who is helping my Dad take care of my Mom with dementia, I would stay where you are until they no longer need your help.

Family first has always been our family’s motto.

[Becky]

Family first. You can’t get this time back. I know caregiving is exhausting.

I don’t recommend moving your parents to the old job location.

Change and unfamiliarity are hard on Alzheimer’s. Blessings sent your way as you travel this road.

[Anisa]

Is it possible to get help now for your parents with the extra you’re making?

Or maybe even negotiate a 4 day work week once a month so that you could do two weekends with your parents, with the one being longer??

[Author]

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