[USER]

Hi I need help, I don’t know what to do, my wife and I have been together for 9 years, she earns 140 and I earn 60k, our finances are separate, she contributes 1000 monthly and I pay the rest.

the problem is that I have been frugal for 12 years, that’s why my finances are much higher than her, 3 months ago she left me with the excuse that I don’t help her financially.

3 weeks ago we got together again and she says she will only contribute 600 a month because I have more savings than her and she wants to have a secure future, also you want us to end the relationship legally and stay together, she made a appointment at the court house to end the partnership.

I feel like she is right because I don’t share my money with her, because the way I see is that she made a lot more than me, at this point I feel like a roommate, I always tell her my plan to fire but she’s not interested, she’s one of those people that only think about today.

[Reggie]

I’m a bit younger so maybe some of the older people will disagree. Have you considered maybe y’all aren’t compatible? One of the leading reasons of divorce is finances..

I would maybe look into couples therapy to see if some communication could unlock why the resentment is there. To me marriage isn’t supposed to be 50/50 but an equitable split of what makes sense for the partnership and household.

On the other hand if your shared vision for finances are different.. I don’t know.

One of the first conversations I had with my wife while we were dating was our views on finances, debt, & financial freedom, and we’ve been a team since.

There isn’t her money or my money but “our” money outside of our funny money accounts. A house divided against itself cannot stand.

[Dario]

I’m sure she has a lot of qualities, but by what I read she doesn’t seem to be the right person for you.

Stating that you should contribute more because you saved more, while she’s making 70% more than you it’s just out of this world.

Looks like there’s not an openness to understand your point of view or even evaluate a different balance between the two of you.

Also, very manipulative to leave you cause “you don’t help her financially”, while she makes way more than you, only to come back when you give her a “discount” on her contributions to the couple’s balance.

By what you wrote, feels like you might be better off on your own (unless there are kids involved or some other factors shifting the priorities): feels like she might be able to destroy your retirement savings to finance her lifestyle, and this is anything but love.

[Justin]

You might need to let her go. I mean she makes a lot of money, and it sounds like she blows it.

Now she wants to give you less just because she can’t act like a grown up?

Her leaving, and I would let her go, might be the best thing for you.

[Pino]

She said she wants to have a secure future. Sounds like if at any time in the future she “feels” like her future isn’t secure she’s going to leave.

Sounds like it is her way or the Highway.

You walking continuously on eggs shells wondering if she is happy or not isn’t a life fulfilled.

It’s up to you but if I was in your shoes I’d leave.

[Tom]

This is not a finances or FIRE issue, it’s a relationship issue. You can have separate finances in a marriage but if the expectations are not aligned or there is poor/no communication, then it will manifest itself later on (as it has done here).

If you want to continue this together then you need marriage counseling to work through this.

[Stefanie]

Gently, know your worth
This woman is not your wife. She is not even your friend. She is practicing financial infidelity, manipulation and abuse.

Hire an attorney.

Get a forensic accountant to prove her financial irresponsibility so you can keep your assets
I also always recommend counseling to navigate such changes. Practice self care.

Be kind to future you and move on

[Helen]

Sorry it is a no to her coming back and getting to spend less whilst making more. No to ending the relationship and getting the benefits.

Could you help her financially by sorting her how to make a budget and create saving, only if there is a relationship with saving.

If no relationship point get to a website and leave her to it.

You need to be frugle with your time as well as your money and have someone in your life you can build a solid future with.

[Merrigan]

My husband and I are very similar pay differences 130k and 50k. He also wants to FIRE at 45 while I don’t mind working till 55 or 60.

I obviously save more than him monthly but we have combined finances. He pays for the bills he can, and I pay for the remainder.

His goals are my goals too. If she makes that much more and can’t save as much as you, she’s the problem. Making you contribute more is insane.

Ending the relationship legally and staying together is pointless in my opinion.

You’re clearly better off finding a spouse who has similar financial goals or interests as you.

[Lit]

I don’t know. I will advocate for your wife in this scenario. You can have separate accounts but you both need to be transparent. Being too frugal can end this or any other relationship.

I like the idea of FiRE but not at the cost of my happiness. But what makes me happy? Def not penny pinching.

I like quality food which is extremely expensive now a days. I have my son in private school.

I don’t buy myself new clothes, new car, or fancy house. But those 2 are in my priority list and I would hate it if my husband was not on the same page, saved his money and let me spend my own only.

[DJ]

Nah. I earn double what my husband does and I pay for vacations, house repairs, medical insurance and appointment costs, glasses, and atypical household purchases (appliances, arts and entertainment, furniture).

We chose housing that was affordable based on his salary and we both put the same into the regular monthly expenses (mortgage, utilities, streaming, groceries).

I also made the 20% home down payment to avoid PMI and I help him contribute to his IRA and max our joint HSA every year.

I want to give and provide a comfortable life for my husband because I love and care for him. Plus him being under less stress means we are under less stress collectively.

I’m sorry you have someone who doesn’t seem in your corner, but it sounds like you’ve both figured out you’re not compatible.

I’m betting you’ll be able to find more of a saver like you!

[Brianna]

It clearly appears as if she’s using you until she gets to a certain level of financial comfort then she’ll leave you again.

She should be paying the majority and understand your goals of savings and respect that.

[Nahn]

50/50 or just leave. She make more and make poor decisions w her spending.

Not ur problem but throwing an tantrum is only making it worst.

[Misha]

Now that you already split once, think of her as an escort. If she’s going to treat you like this for money then she’s not wife material.

The life you built before the things that are still left unfinished no longer applies to you because you’re starting over with her.

You are renegotiating terms. You’re basically paying for her comfort and time.

Is she worth keeping around when her attitude is like this? Are her other benefits worth the headache she brings.

Is she worth potentially losing half of your assets for and not being able to fire early?

If you answered yes, then don’t complain it’s your own choice just like her finances are her choice your decisions are yours as well

[Flynn]

time to move on. you’ll find a parner that aligns with your goals.

It sucks but sounds like you arent compatible and doesnt value the same things.

[La]

What an awful relationship when it’s all based on money and who earns what.

That is the worst kind of relationship, you’re both in love with your end goal that you have actually forgotten what matters.

Reminder if money is the only thing that matters ask yourself what is your end goal? Is to be alone and rich /retired with no one to share your life with?

Will it comfort you and bring you joy. really needs to leave this relationship, the only thing he said honestly is he only cares about his money.

[Teresa]

I agree, I would get out of the relationship. For you to have been able to save so much more making half of her salary is not fair.

She’s may wait until you build up a wealth and then divorce you and take half of everything you worked so hard to save.

[Antara]

Saving requires sacrifice. No matter how much one makes if one is not budgeting and saving, it can all disappear. As the adage goes Penny saved is also penny earned.

Financial mentality is also one of the core reasons in couple incompatibility.

People say it is a relationship issue but finances are mixed into the dynamics.

She should be thankful that you have a job and she is not taking care of most of the bills and you despite her earning well above basic 6 figures

And this leaving you threats is blackmailing and being manipulative. Let her leave and find a companion who will suck it up while she spends most of her 140k on her lifestyle

[Claire]

I don’t understand the “end the relationship legally and stay together” part? So, you’re getting a divorce (?) but she can keep taking advantage of you financially?

This doesn’t sound like a partner you need or want.

My ex husband proposed the same (he was making much more) when I wanted a divorce, but it didn’t make sense to me!

[Donna]

Let her go! She obviously found out that she left her sugar tree, and now wants back on her terms. LET. HER. GO.

Don’t allow yourself to be used like this.

[GY]

If you are back together then why a divorce? No way should you be getting divorced but remaining together as a couple.

She’s trying to drop you from her savings/retirement.

Even though she says she doesn’t have much, I bet she does.

That’s the only reason I can come up with about this scenario.

[Author]

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