[USER]

Back story:
My brother has undiagnosed disabilities and is a recovered drug addict. He’s always in some sort of active addiction that costs a lot of money like gambling or over the counter supplements.

He is dependent on my parents for almost everything.

He tears up any home he lives in. He is very unstable. He currently says he has cancer. I know it sounds awful, but he lies constantly so I have no idea if it’s true. And no one can gives me any proof.

My parents enable him due to our only other sibling dying. He is in his 30s

Situation:
My parents own two homes. He lives in one and rents out rooms to other people of this caliber.

The house is a mess and has had the city called on it multiple times for various reasons. It’s owned outright. It might be able to get $80k when sold.

The other home my parents live in. It has about 30k left to go. My parents are in okay physical health. Financial health is not good due to my brother.

My parents both worked all their lives, and made good financial decisions but that is gone due to situations with my brother. This house is possibly worth $125k.

The houses are around 7 hours from me.
Neither are in great shape.

My parents came to me about what to do with the houses. Brother wants to sell the house he’s living in. He hasn’t stated where he would live after. Most likely with my parents.

My parents want to give him a portion of the sales and then pay off the house they live in.

They want to then put theirs in my name in case they end up in a nursing home so the house isn’t taken. Mainly so if they come out of the nursing home they still have a place to live.

This leaves me owning the home. When they pass though, I would inherit taking care of my brother. How could I do this with as little financial responsibility as possible?

He will be homeless if I don’t manage his home. However, because of the disabilities and drug use, he is completely unable to take care of himself. He will not get diagnosed.

He is not a nice person to be around. He makes awful choices.

We would not be able to move him into our home or let him live on our property due to him stealing information and opening cards etc He is not high functioning enough to make it, but he’s just high functioning enough to not be committed or forced to receive help.

I also can’t be responsible for the upkeep of the house. Financially or otherwise being so far away.

I feel a strong moral obligation to make sure he isn’t homeless but cannot take on more than that.

My husband and I have an autistic son who may need to live with us forever, so that has to be the number one priority.

Any guidance would be incredible. I know that was really long and dramatic.

[Deborah]

Sympathy, sadly no advice. In a similar situation. Bro has disabilities but is “high functioning enough” to not be in disabled housing. I keep thinking there should be something in between.

Something like a property with little casitas that has oversight.

Or even something like independent living for younger folks with challenges.

I don’t mind overseeing his finances but my bro is a difficult person to work with. Hugs to you!

[Jeff]

You’re not going to want to hear this but both you and your parents need to let him go. He’ll never turn his life around until he hits bottom.

He’ll never hit bottom with your parents enabling him and then you enabling him when they’re gone.

I know this from intimate experience…

[Brooke]

That’s crazy that you would even entertain taking care of him in any way. His poor decisions are not your responsibility.

He is a cancer to your parents that they will pass on to you.

[Michael]

Best advice, get an attorney. Have a conversation with your husband and set a boundary about what you can actually do and stick to it.

[Korey]

First of all, I’m sorry you are going through this. Losing a sibling and having your other sibling be like this are two huge stressors on their own.

You sound like a responsible caring person despite this.
If your son is autistic, usually it runs in families, he may be autistic and eligible for services.

Is there any chance you can report him for his crimes, and then the police instead of taking him to jail can have him committed/evaluated? And then he can get therapy?

Or maybe get a lawyer and see if you can have him declared incompetent and get guardianship and then find him a supportive living environment.

I’m not sure how realistic that is. I know people usually get guardianship when kids are like this as a teenager.

If not, I would probably start by talking to the police in the town you live in so they are aware of him and his disabilities so they can handle him appropriately if they are called on him.

I know of a family member’s friend who was schizophrenic and he got scared and paranoid when police were chasing him, led the police on a high speed chase and then was shot. Unlucky on both sides.

As a parent, absolutely no way should you let him live with you, even if it means him being homeless. And if you can’t easily afford to help him, I’d maybe not do that either because of your son.

Because your autistic son may need a lot of your money for a special needs trust depending on severity, so if you spend a ton on your brother if you don’t have enough for both, that may cause problems for your son down the line.

[Jennifer]

I will give a different perspective of advice. If you are not part of AlAnon I highly suggest it.

While you may be responsible for your brother when your parents pass, there are other elements of boundaries that need to be in place because of his addiction.

I am sorry this will potentially be a burden for you.

[Kathryn]

There are so many boundary issues here, on everyone’s part, that I hardly know where to start…

Your parents have not made good financial decisions for themselves if they have been financially enabling your brother.

Your brother has no say in whether your parents sell the house he lives in, or what they do with the money should they decide to do so.

You do not automatically inherit taking care of your brother.

I realize that these aren’t solutions to your situation. Hopefully it does give you a different perspective though.

[Ryan]

My opinion, not advice…. Keep the house your brother is in. Why would your parents let him ruin their main house too? For $80k?

No way. And definitely don’t give him proceeds! What????

[Sarah]

Get written estimates from nursing homes and show them the cost. Nursing homes will drain the value of your parents’ estate within 1-2 years. So, there won’t be a house left for them to return to.

When I read “undiagnosed”, I assume the person is opposed to getting a diagnosis.

If my assumption is wrong, I’d try to get him diagnosed and on disability.

Some other ideas:
1. Ask (or help) your parents to figure out a long term housing plan for your brother that doesn’t involve him living in one of their homes. If your brother has low income, he could qualify for a low income apartment.

2. If your brother attains other housing (idea 1), they could sell both homes, and go into assisted living.

3. They could leave your brother’s house to him in their will, and their current house to you. This gives your brother a place to live, and divides their estate between the two of you.

Maybe they could also perhaps leave some funds in a trust to pay your brother’s property taxes? In this scenario, they’d have to keep living in their home (not go into a nursing home).

Upon their passing, you could sell the home that you inherit.

4. You could tell them you don’t want to own or be responsible for their house since you live so far away.…and let them think of other options.

[Barbara]

Your situation is deeply complex, heartbreaking, and, sadly, not uncommon for families dealing with a mix of addiction, mental illness, and aging parents.

Thank you for laying it out so clearly — it’s not dramatic at all, it’s a courageous and clear expression of a very real moral and practical dilemma.

Here’s a way to begin approaching it, broken into four major steps, rooted in moral clarity, compassion, and pragmatism.

1. Protect Your Parents and Their House
This should be the first priority, both morally and legally.

Their current idea — selling the rental house, paying off their mortgage, and transferring their home into your name — can work, but it must be done carefully:

• Legal Transfer Timing: Transferring the home into your name might protect it from Medicaid estate recovery if it’s done at least 5 years before they apply for Medicaid. Otherwise, Medicaid can still claim it.

• Life Estate Option: Instead of an outright transfer, consider a life estate deed. This gives your parents the legal right to live in the home for life, and it passes directly to you upon death without probate — and can, in some cases, protect from Medicaid recovery.

• Estate Plan: Have your parents meet with an elder law attorney, not just a general lawyer. These attorneys understand Medicaid look-back rules, how to protect assets, and how to structure things to avoid future complications with your brother.

Bottom line: Pay off your parents’ home, protect their right to live there, and get legal advice on how to do it without jeopardizing care options or triggering Medicaid problems.

2. Set Clear Terms for Selling the Rental
Selling the rental home where your brother lives is reasonable, but any cash given to him is a risk — it will likely be spent on addiction, and won’t help long-term.

Safer options:
• Use proceeds from the sale only to pay off the mortgage, cover parents’ needs, and create a small trust or managed fund for your brother (if you’re willing).

• Instead of giving him cash, create a limited housing plan. For example, use part of the money to prepay rent to a supervised group home or basic apartment with oversight, if you can find one.

If the house must be sold and you can’t manage it, your best bet might be:
• Sell it.
• Do not give him the money directly.
• Use the proceeds to reduce your parents’ vulnerability, not your brother’s addiction.

3. Plan for Your Brother Without Becoming His Guardian
You’re clear that you cannot and should not be financially or physically responsible for your brother — that’s not cruelty, it’s wisdom and good stewardship for your family.

What you can consider:
A. Third-Party Special Needs Trust (SNT)
• Set up a trust with very limited funds, and name a third-party trustee (not you).

• This would allow for very small distributions for shelter or food, without affecting public benefits like Medicaid or SSI if he ever qualifies.

• If you ever inherit anything your parents earmark “for your brother,” put it into the trust, not his hands.

B. Connect With Adult Protective Services (APS)
• If/when your parents are gone or unable to help, your brother may eventually meet the threshold for APS intervention.

• Have a list of contacts or social workers in their area ready. You do not need to be his keeper — you need to know who to call when things go off the rails.

C. Group Homes or Supportive Housing

• While it may be hard to get him into one now, you can research what’s available in your parents’ area, so when the time comes, you’re ready with options.

• Some states offer mental health supportive housing, especially if he is deemed disabled (even if undiagnosed now — that can change later if he declines).

4. Set Boundaries Without Guilt
You are already doing a lot: loving your parents, thinking ahead, and feeling moral responsibility. But you do not owe your brother your future — especially when your child’s long-term needs are on your shoulders.

What this means:
• Say yes to helping your parents create a plan.
• Say no to taking ownership of any property for your brother.
• Say yes to assisting with logistics like selling a house or connecting with social services.
• Say no to direct caregiving, cohabitation, or financial management of your brother’s life.

In Summary:
• Meet with an elder law attorney to structure the transfer and protect assets from Medicaid.

• Sell the rental, use proceeds for your parents, not your brother.
• Do not give cash to your brother — consider a limited trust if needed.

• Plan now for the eventual decline or incapacity of your brother, using outside supports, not yourself.

• Honor your limits — that’s not abandoning your brother; it’s choosing to support everyone the way they need and deserve.

[Bussler]

Hubbys alcoholic brother was similar. He had many issues. We got him on disability and Medicaid and it took a year process. I was his trustee so govt paid me.

I paid his rent and utilities with his disability payments to his roommate who also had many issues.

Then I gave him weekly allowance so he could not blow through it all.

I bought groceries through Walmart and had delivered. We lived across the US from him. It was terrible! He would call all the time for more money.

Lie and say he needed a haircut etc, but really needed alcohol. He passed away after 2 years of me being his trustee.

It is hard. I wish you luck but highly recommend trying to get paperwork done for disability.

[Nancy]

Hugs. So hard. Our friends have a 40+ year old that is somewhat similar. Living in their basement that they turned into an apartment and had to have locks so he can’t get to them.

After many issues involving the police, the police did take him in, and I don’t know if the description was committed but he was kept for 30 days.

Judge ordered meds that were administered via a shot (I had no idea that existed) that last 30 days and he has to return every 30 days or he goes to jail.

They really did work and he’s able to be fairly reasonable most of the time when properly medicated. Also on disability.

Etc. it took a Long time to get here and who knows what happens when the court order ends.

It’s all so hard. I just wanted to share their story and how it’s finally helping them (for now?).

I have a daughter with mental health issues and it’s so scary to think how things go spiral down and then what.

[Brianne]

I’m sorry you are going through this. Your story sounds so familiar I could almost have written it myself.

I don’t know how my brother’s issues compare to your brother’s but I can tell you when my mother passes, none of the siblings are taking him in.

He will get his inheritance from the sale of the house and that is that. May seem harsh but he has burned many bridges.

Sorry I don’t have any advice, but I feel what you’re going through.

[Caitlyn]

One thing I know about people like that, they always manage to get by…somehow. Don’t make him your burden. He will be okay.

If you don’t want him to be homeless, let him live with you.

But I can almost guarantee you he won’t be.

[Nicole]

Your brother is not your responsibility and really…he is not your parents responsibility at this point because he is an adult.

Both you and your parents need to stop enabling him.

Your parents need to do what is best for them financially.

[Beck]

I am so sorry. From what you’ve laid out, it seems that it would be impossible for you to not be involved financially, emotionally, etc.

Your parents are going to continue to enable him – it will probably get worse if they are going to sell his house, give him money and then have him move in.

If they put the house in your name, check on tax ramifications for you as well.

This is really a mess. I’d say if you don’t want to be involved, then I’d set a boundary to do just that – but that would mean a hard line.

Again, I am so sorry.

[Gilmarie]

I’m sorry you have to feel responsible for your brother and family situation. I was in a similar spot with a family member once.
My recommendation is to help your parents with the house.

Sell the other. Also, if you don’t want him homeless …do everything legally and speak about it with the 3 of them.

Put the cards on the table. Get a mediator/ legal attorney and negotiate the upkeep of the house while he lives there. Consider a Trade with him!

“If you mantain/ upkeep the house, we let you live in it. This are the upkeep things needed by the upcoming years and give him a list with estimated costs… this is your responsibility and if you don’t do it; this are the consequences….”

Don’t treat him as family. Sounds harsh but disassociate! Because it’s not gonna be possible to manage it.

The moment you start thinking on emotions and feelings, there will be stress and anxiety and frustration and all those things will block you.

Think transactionally and business like, And allow yourself to seek help to manage your emotions out of the situation. He is fully codependent and you need to be strong.

Even when he is your brother, you will have to take legal action to cover your bases financially if required.

If he lives in the house he needs to understand is not his but yours and things needs to be in writing.

Also, you don’t want him homeless but also you don’t want to enable him. He is not your responsibility.

Is not up to you. Sometimes people need to rock bottom to realize accountability— have empathy but place boundaries to keep your peace.

[Ronda]

Not advisable to simply “put the house in your name”. Consult with an elder care/trust and estate attorney for legal advice on how to shield your parents home and any assets.

You, and your parents have to decide how much your brother should be enabled going forward to allow your parents to be able to afford to have care, in or outside of their home, in the future.

Someone has to cut the cord.

I know it’s not easy but at some point your parents, and your brother will have nothing left.

[Sonja]

I don’t know 100% all the answers on this, but I think you could do a living trust for your son and separately, your brother.

I believe your parents could set aside money for him to pay him a monthly allowance/income with a person that manages it for him.

Takes the pressure off you so you don’t have to babysit or be the bad guy. You gotta think of yourself first – including your son. Then there’s your parents well-being.

Then the brother. I see how the loudest person in the room gets the most attention when others’ needs need attention too.

[Jennifer]

meet with elder care attorney on your own first then with your parents. medicaid is 5y look back. I’m not sure I would want any part of it.

you owning houses doesn’t legally make you responsible for your brother however.

at some point when he reaches some rock bottom you may need to go through courts to become his decision maker or guardian so understand the process

[Erica]

You obviously live somewhere in the country where home prices are much lower and I assume homelessness is maybe not as extreme.

In western WA it’s wild so in reading this all I can think is let him be homeless.

Enabling doesn’t work. You’re not going to change him. Let him fail.

[Author]

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