[Sam]

How does a Dad (65) feel valued? He did a lot for us all and still does a lot but I think he doesn’t want to believe we are all grown up and in our 30s.

He would still treat us like kids. Like my water heater broke and he felt really bad he couldn’t come help me due to the distance.

In this process my sister and brother never could learn on their own like investing or securing a full time job for their future.

Every time I discussed my plan for mutual fund or paying off loan, he would discourage. It feels awkwad to even share my plans or ask for advise.

He is a great man and at this time I think he wants to feel valued no matter what.

This is hard for me since I have learned to do a lot of things on my own, I have my own opinions. I still want to respect his ways and make him feel valued.

Any thoughts?

[Darrell]

Make a list of some of the things that you feel he taught you. Things like being independent or doing research or whatever sorts of traits you think he helped you learn so that you can do what you do and be who you are.

With those notes have a conversation with him.

My dad used to wonder why I would always call and talk to my mother about certain things and not him.

We both knew it bothered him. So, one day when me and him were alone and we were working on stuff I just said hey Dad do you ever wonder why I call and talk to Mom instead of you?

My dad just said I assumed it was because she’s easier to talk to.

I told him that he was right it was easier talking to her but that wasn’t the real reason. I told him I talked to her because she gives me a different opinion than my own.

I told him if I asked him those questions that I was asking her he would give me the same opinion I had. Because he had taught me and trade to me and my opinion was his opinion.

He thought about it for a while before you responded. Then he said I understand, it’s the same reason I’ve always talked to her, was to get that other opinion.

Find a way to show value and appreciation to the man who gave you so much.

As 65, he still knows a hell of a lot more than you. Don’t forget that. He’s never quit learning but you won’t understand that until you’re 65.

[Michael]

Maybe you could tell him you value him. Have a conversation.

[Kris]

Even after me and my wife built our own portfolio, my parents continue to pay for our family meals when we’re out together.

I surprised my parents to a
month long European trip. We drove from Normandy all the way to Gibraltar.

We visited castles, churches and mosques, but the one thing he was so amazed at was how I flawlessly maneuvered our rental van w/ a manual gearbox in the narrow streets of Spain.

After 40 years of my life, that’s the first compliment I’ve heard from him.

I told him “I learned from the best.” Nevermind the places we visited, it’s the driving he was impressed the most. He is retired and drives Uber in Vegas.

I think just let him do what makes
him happy and show how grateful you are.

There’s going to be a day when you will have to fix his water heater then maybe he will realize that he had done a good job raising you.

It’s your brother and sister you need to talk to.

[Tove]

Ask him about family – history, write down what he says in front of him.

When you struggle in personal life or professional life, ask for advice.

You would be surprised. We tend to forget they lived a life.

[Andrew]

Moving from direct parenting to indirect parenting is hard conceptually- the first requires active involvement the second requires availability, support and advice which may not be taken.

The realisation that life experiences need to be physically experienced and can not be transferred no matter the potential crash and burn – such awareness can be challenging to achieve

[Debbi]

I see some people struggle to feel they matter as they age and have a need to be heard.

So, you might thank him for his opinion and say that you mean no disrespect but you’re going to make your own decision and then change the subject to an easier subject like perhaps food or another interest he has.

Ask him questions about himself to defect the attention from you and tell him you need to go if you’re getting uncomfortable.

Easier said than done but it’s something to try.

[FS]

Your desire to show respect and make your dad feel valued while maintaining your independence is thoughtful and admirable.

Balancing his need to feel important with your own growth and independence can strengthen your relationship.

Here are a few actionable suggestions:

1. Acknowledge His Contributions

• Express Gratitude: Regularly thank him for what he’s done for you and your siblings.

Be specific: “Dad, I wouldn’t have been able to tackle [specific challenge] without the values and work ethic you instilled in me.”

• Highlight His Impact: Remind him how his lessons shaped your success. For instance, if you’ve paid off a loan or invested wisely, mention how his advice or example influenced you, even if indirectly.

2. Involve Him Without Over-Relying

• Ask for Input on Non-Critical Matters: While you may not need his guidance, asking for his opinion on manageable topics (e.g., home maintenance, car repairs) gives him a role without overstepping your independence.

• Collaborate on Projects: If possible, invite him to assist with projects, like minor repairs or setting up something at your home. Even if you could handle it yourself, his involvement makes him feel needed.

3. Strengthen Emotional Connection

• Share Milestones: Keep him updated on your life and celebrate milestones with him. Even small updates like a successful day at work or an achievement in your personal life can make him feel included.

• Spend Quality Time: Plan activities he enjoys, such as going to a sporting event, working on a hobby together, or simply having a meal. Presence and shared experiences often mean more than words.

4. Respectfully Set Boundaries

• Show Independence Kindly: When he discourages your plans, assure him that you value his perspective but have done your research. For example: “I appreciate your concern about mutual funds, Dad.

I’ve looked into it carefully and feel this is the right step for me, but I’ll let you know if I need advice.”

• Explain Your Approach: Share your reasoning behind decisions in a way that shows respect for his wisdom. This might make him feel like part of your thought process even if your conclusion differs.

5. Encourage New Roles for Him

• Focus on Being a Mentor: Emphasize how much his life experience could benefit others. For example: “Dad, you’ve always been great at managing [specific skill or task]. Have you thought about sharing that knowledge with others?”

• Support His Hobbies and Interests: Help him find fulfillment in activities beyond helping his children, whether that’s community involvement, a hobby, or spending more time with friends or grandkids.

6. Foster Sibling Support

• If your siblings still rely heavily on your dad, encourage them to take small steps toward independence. Help them learn skills he usually handles so he feels less burdened and you’re all sharing responsibility.

Key Takeaways
• Make him feel appreciated and needed, even in small ways.

• Share your successes and give credit for how he helped you get there.

• Respectfully set boundaries while showing him his advice is valued.

• Encourage him to embrace roles and activities that bring him joy outside of parenting.

By focusing on connection and gratitude while maintaining your independence, you can make your dad feel valued and respected as you all navigate this new stage of life.

[Author]

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