[Anne]

Looking for a way to figure out/hire someone to review pluses and minuses of getting married versus not getting married in a long term relationship.

Been with my boyfriend 14 years have bought a house and car together the rest of finances are separate no kids we are 46/55.

Curious about tax benefits and social security for retirement. Our preference is to not get married but would like to understand the negatives of that.

Ugh we have no wills or such that is also another step.

TIA

[Stacey]

Not only wills but health care directives, POAs, etc…
14 years?

Does your state recognize common law marriage because that could be another variable

I would think a estate lawyer would be able to give you pros and cons of how married vs not and how best to protect assets

[Stacy]

We prefer domestic partnership. Specially in today’s political climate.

There will soon be an end to No fault divorce and if you don’t have children you’re not going to benefit from taxes anyways.

Domestic partnership is the way to go for women

[Steve]

I kicked the can down the road for over 15 years and avoided marriage with my now wife. Honestly, waiting and avoiding marriage was the worst decision I ever made.

Hard to explain but there is something special about the bond of marriage and being with your soulmate for life (legally and spiritually). Is it a gamble?

Yes! Is it worth the risk? YES.

I’m not judging and this is just my feeling so do whatever makes both of you truly happy.

[Lauren]

I have no help, just I also find it maddening how little actual information there is in the world about what it is you’re agreeing to (legally) when you get married.

During the fight for same-sex marriage, there were stats bandied about that marriage gave you like 300 federal protections or something, but…what are they? I could never find a list.

(I did end up giving in and opting for marriage, and that was absolutely the correct decision in my situation (kids, and I’ve been largely a SAHM for 6 years, and my spouse makes like 6x what I ever have), but it’s still ridiculous that you’re apparently supposed to make a decision for marriage out of love or whatever and then have all these legal and financial effects appear out of nowhere.)
Definitely look into state stuff too.

For instance, at least as of a decade or so ago, in North Carolina, once you’re married you couldn’t sell property without your spouse’s signature even if you bought it before you got married and 100% with your own money.

(A situation my mother encountered and was appalled by.)

[Carrie]

I think it depends on your state and county. The biggest things that come to mind is that you can’t take advantages of the little bit of tax savings filing married provides, you most likely can’t get on your significant others

health benefits at work if one of you looses a job, you need a health care directive to make any life or death decisions (current your siblings outweigh you significant other), shared housing goes through probate as does any assets you wish the other to have.

With that said I would talk to a lawyer because you need a will at the least to make sure 1/2 of your house and car isn’t owned by your significant others parents or siblings.

Oh, and you should really get an agreement about the house on the books in case you decide to split. My MIL boy friend moves In with her.

They broke up, she let him live there until he “could find a place”, in the mean time she became severely ill and in a coma.

He was still there living the life of Riley while I was paying her bills because she never put her only child or her mother on her checking acct.

When she did recover it became apparent she would never be able to move back due to it being a 2 story.

We had to evict him in order to sell. It was a hot mess. So please do yourself a favor and get some kind of paperwork done.

[Valerie]

If you aren’t going to get married you need to have a will at a minimum because separate bank accounts will require probate.

Should have a trust with property but I don’t know how that works with non married couples.

[Amy]

Do you have a written contract between the two of you on your jointly owned assets that documents ownership, financial responsibilities and, most importantly, how to exit ownership if one you chooses to do so?

If not, you need to either get married, or get a contract in place.

When you are married, the legal contract that the state places on you regulates those issues. Unmarried partners need to create their own, in writing.

I’ve been living with my bf for nearly 20 years, and we have not, nor would we, ever buy real estate or vehicles together without being married or having a written contract.

In our case, while we were working, being able to file Single saved us on income taxes, compared to what we would have paid MFJ.

There were several years when one of us was covered on the other’s HDHP health plan (as domestic partners), and because we had family HDHP coverage, we were each able to contribute the family max to our individual HSAs.

Now that we’ve retired, there could be an advantage for me to getting married when claiming SS survivor benefits, since his benefit will be slightly larger than mine.

But that is more than offset by the risk that I would potentially have to spend my assets if he ends up in LTC (like his father did).

[Lori]

My bf and I have lived together over 20 years. We are financially completely separate. Nothing is joint except our home and auto insurance cover our cars (we each own) and home (I own).

We saw an attorney, set up wills and trusts and POD’s to handle affairs if we can’t do it ourselves or on death. We both have children and grands.

[Mica]

There are pros and cons of each. Get married and you have to think about going into a nursing home someday and the issues with that (the state could come after your assets too if your spouse went into a nursing home) so it’s best to draw up an irrevocable trust and and all of that. Also, a pre nup.

If you don’t you are on your own with all of that estate planning but it may feel less secure because you don’t have the emotional component of a spouse

You could always list each other as beneficiaries and not be married.

[Sarah]

Well, of course, married couples have the tax benefit that comes with filing jointly, and a spouse can get the other spouse’s SS when they pass away.

So, you’re missing out on those.

[Lori]

Unless you live in a state that recognizes common law marriage, you will not be eligible for any kind of spousal benefits from social security.

That could leave a lot of money on the table, which you can’t access.

[Pam]

Since your incomes aren’t vastly different at this point, you probably won’t benefit from a spousal top off from social security.

Although you will want to create an online account and see your projected payouts. But both of you could potentially benefit from survivor benefits when one of you dies.

The person with higher benefits can take the lesser amount as early as age 60 and let the other benefit grow to its maximum before switching over at 70.

The person with the lower amount can take their own at 62 and switch to the survivor benefit at 67 when it reaches its maximum.

Also being able to have a higher lifetime payout will really benefit the lower earner over the years.

There are financial benefits that aren’t as common, but I for example receive a lifetime tax free worker’s comp payment because my spouse’s death was partially caused by work related heart disease.

If I have a fairly average life expectancy this will result in over a million dollars tax free. I would not have gotten that if I weren’t married.

For the average person death in an auto accident would be more common and any payout for that would go to the person’s next of kin and not a boyfriend or girlfriend.

For myself I receive a pension and lifetime health benefits (for a fee) from my late husband’s employment. I would not have received those as a girlfriend.

As far as taxes you can look at tax bracket tables to see if marriage will benefit you tax wise. It might not benefit you now. But if either of you will inherit any substantial funds it could be useful then.

For myself when I inherit my mother’s retirement accounts and need to empty those out over ten years marrying my boyfriend would definitely help me tax wise.

Additionally my income is higher than his and in just a couple years of pension increases, marriage could help reduce my tax burden. So, play around with some estimated future incomes and look at those tax brackets.

You can give each other medical power of attorney. But I believe being married can help out if someone ‘s parents start fighting in court to not pull the plug on one of you.

So, if you both believe in quality of life and stopping treatment when that no longer exists and know your parents are all life is worthwhile people.

It gives just a smidge more protection. Terri Shiavo’s husband stayed married to her despite starting a new family so he could prevail in court over her parents.

Even then, it drug out far too long.

[Susan]

If one of you earns a lot less than the other, marrying will help with social security.

[Author]

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