[USER]

Our son who just turned 18 and is incoming senior in HS is getting a payment from a car accident when he was hit by a car while on his bike where he got a bad scar.

This happened few years back. The amount is 17k after lawyer being paid.

He has a drivers permit, not a license se as he’s been showing interest in faster driving and has been pulling away enotionally but also not followinf any rules about coming home in time etc.

In addition we are not ready for an increase i car insurance cost especially since I lost my job in December and have another son in college which we are cash flowing.

Right now the son can function without a car. He works but I can drive him or he can take a bus. He will most likely go to trade school after HS. I feel

It would be good to start driving now before he starts driving further once he starts trade school. He also has a GF that lives 30 min away and we don’t want him driving there.

However I am not sure he is mature enpugh to drive as he is very into fast cars, is currently emotionally pulling away from us but also not really having a good friend.

He is doibg poorly in school which is mostly due to million learning disabilities he has.

He has ADHD as well and Im worried about the impact kn driving. Yet we live in suburbs where fod most part you do need a car and if I get a job I wont be able to drive him. He doesn’t listen to us.

He is not fully aware how much money he will get but once he sees it he will giarantee want to buy a stupid old bmw or something like that wo thinking of the cost of upkeep, insurance etc.

I wanted to agree with him to get a license to share my car and once he drives for a year wo issue to help him get a reasonable car. He is not listening.

I do think he need to strt druving soon as he’ll need to wother druve to trade school or his future job in a year. My husband thinks he should not drive cause we did t druve at ghat age, but we lived in Europe in a capital city with no real need to druve.

My husband although living together is mostly not existant in the HH, never talks to

Kids, only yells at us all, etc. We are both immigrants and I’ve been stuck in this marriage. Not good for kids but when you have 1 kid w autism and 1 with many learning dusabilities, are the only one involved in helping them its hard to leave w no family in this country or enough money for that.

Suggestions? How do we approach ghis new money that my so is getting and making sure he doesn’t just waste it.

[Sharon]

Would he possibly agree to a five year CD? Show him the interest calculation of what lies ahead?

[Lisa]

Since he’s 18 there isn’t much you can do but try to educate him. If the settlement is his and not yours, you can’t legally keep it from him either.

Unfortunately, sometimes kids learn hard lessons in the worst ways.

[Kathryn]

As others have said, he’s an adult and can do whatever he wants with the money.

However, since it sounds like he’s still living at home, you do have some leverage.

And is he contributing to any living expenses? If not, it might be time to start.

[Karen]

Hold off on the driving for another six months and then start slowly with some paid driving lessons so someone other than you is teaching him.

Find the compromise between driving now and waiting a year.

Turn your situation on its head by talking much less and listening to him more.

Ask open ended questions with no pressure. Put his settlement money in the bank in an interest bearing CD.

[Shatel]

Unfortunately, it’s his money to have and do with as he pleases. Make him get his own high insurance if he wants the car so bad.

Making him responsible will make him value his things more.

[Rene]

Likely the best thing you can do is try to educate him, as much as he will listen. Since he is an adult, he can get his license and purchase a car and obtain insurance on his own, he won’t need parental permission to do so.

Is the settlement money going directly to him?

If so, you can try to guide him, but again, he is an adult and will be able to make his own decisions on the funds.

[Bunny]

I don’t think you get a say in how that money is spent if the check is written to him.

Best to find a compromise he will agree to.

[Bill]

They do sell tracking devices/apps for teen drivers. You can monitor where they go as well as how fast they are driving and if they are making quick stops/starts.

That might be a compromise.

[Wiswell]

Driving is a privilege not a right. Sounds like he’s not really ready for that privilege yet.

Males don’t mature until a much later age, so no need to hurry up and put him in a 4,000 pound weapon on the road.

[Sue]

Do much more “behind the wheel” supervised practice with his drivers permit than is required, before getting the license. Next year he can get a cheaper used vehicle.

Teach him basic money skills, to reach his goals (hopefully this will motivate him a bit).

Put some of the money into CD’s of different lengths (ladder them), and put the rest into an educational fund or Roth IRA so it isn’t just spent away.

[Sandra]

This is tough. One thing to consider, let him get his license but don’t let him drive.

The time since he got his license will be time with no accidents for insurance purposes.

I can attest that ADHD and driving is a bad combination, must be super careful.

[Sandy]

Let him know that all car expenses are his problem and his responsibility. This includes insurance, licensing, repairs, maintenance, gas, everything.

If it breaks down, gets wrecked, insurance lapses, he gets to take the bus.

[Chris]

Sounds like he is an adult. Best you can hope for is that you raised him well. In the eyes of the government you no longer have control.

Legally he has a right to all the money at 18yrs old and if he wanted to spend it all tomorrow he could spend it on whatever he wanted.

[Harmony]

Oh, I wish the attorney made the settlement when he was a minor still. Depending on the state it would go some kind of trust and have to be approved by a judge according to your petition.

Every state is different but I’ve seen minor court approved settlement to have it dispersed on $5k increments every 2 years.

Of course it’s more fees and paperwork from the attorney, and again every state is very different.

Many times an attorney will wait until the child is 18 since the paperwork and court approval take time and money.

Just putting this out there in case someone reading this has a similar insurance claim for their current minor and to discuss options available with the attorney.

[Sarah]

I know this may come off the wrong way, but just a different train of thought than what has already been mentioned. Have you talked to him about his behavior?

As much as this may seem like a rude/jerk comment, has there been something that you’ve done or said that has made him feel like he’s better off distancing with you?

Not saying this is intentional, but I’ve noticed that anytime I got angry with my toddler, he wouldn’t tell me when he made a mess.

Now I’ll ask him what happened and then thank him for telling me about it and show him how we should clean it up.

He’s now very quick to let me know. It’s obviously not the same dynamics as an adult child, but I never meant to make my toddler feel like he couldn’t tell me about his messes, but I inadvertently did. Maybe something similar is happening?

Cause I feel like you can try educating him all you want, but will he actually listen or just say what you want to hear to end the conversation faster?

I feel like the relational aspect needs to be addressed first in order to then implement all the financial education.

[Miura]

It’s frightening how easy it is to accidentally hit a bicyclist or someone else–driver distracted, bicyclist runs a stop sign, etc.

He may end up doing exactly what was done to him. Your only leverage is that he’s living w you.

I don’t think power plays work, but maybe try to say you’re willing to have him live w you rent free so he can save for something he wants but he can’t buy a car–or if he can he has to buy a cheaper used car.

There are expenses w driving that he may not realize yet. It all adds up fast, esp for boys.

Living on his own would be very expensive too.

[Elizabeth]

Oof, this sounds so difficult. Unfortunately, your son is an adult, so the money is his to use as he pleases. DO NOT cosign for a car or get him on your insurance.

He could do driving lessons, but I’d recommend he has an instructor who can be the bad guy if there are issues.

Especially since it sounds like he is not respecting you so any direction from you probably won’t be received well.

Regarding your spouse, I’m so sorry but he sounds at least emotionally abusive. This is rubbing off on your kids (see above).

Can you go to counseling on your own first to help support you and what you need?

You definitely need more social support. Can you meet others through volunteering, schools, church, or job?

I’d prioritize a job since that will give you an escape hatch if you need it.

[Author]

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