[USER]

My dad is currently terminally ill and on hospice/comfort measures. This is my first time facing the loss of someone close, and I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed — both emotionally and with the logistics of everything.

From a financial and estate standpoint, I’m trying to stay organized and would really appreciate any advice from those who’ve gone through something similar.

His estate is in an irrevocable trust, with me named as executor. My brother and I are listed to receive equal shares.

The only assets of real value include:
• His fully paid-off home
• A 1946 Jeep Willys
• A tilt trailer for the Jeep
• A Ford F-150 pickup truck

He has little to no debt. I’m listed as the beneficiary on his financial accounts and am working to be added as joint on his checking account to help pay bills, funeral costs, and any final expenses.

I’m trying to make sure I’m prepared to carry this responsibly, respect his wishes, and make things as smooth as possible for both myself and my brother.

If you’ve been through the loss of a parent — especially your first loss — and had to manage estate matters, I’d really appreciate hearing how you navigated it.

Thanks so much for any insight.

[Jacqueline]

I’m sorry to hear this. Depending on where you live, there will be paperwork to fill in that might require info on his parents (in my state I needed their names and occupations).

I got this in advance from the funeral home and filled out out with my mum for dad – and bless her, she then did hers as well for me.

Wishing you peace during this hard time

[Rebecca]

A very little thing: I found you need more copies of the death certificate than you think you do.

[Kristan]

I didn’t have to manage his estate bc my mom is still living and they have everything outlined very well.

Just wanted to say I’m so sorry.

Losing my dad leveled me and I feel like I’m still trying to get my bearings 3 years later.

[Cindy]

When my SIL died I had my estate attorney go out and make her will two days before she passed. He was amazing went to her home in hospice etc.

I assume he has an advanced medical directive and that hospice will be the one to come at the end and handle all of that.

Extra copies of the death certificate. We ordered 10 and only have a couple left. Every time I turned around someone needed it.

Life insurance. Broker accounts and banks. It felt endless.
** btw I’ve never done one with a trust this is just my experiences in the last five years for three estates

If he is willing I would try to get your name on the checking account so u can handle paying his bills.

My SIL dad took a dramatic turn and his checking had only his name. They have to pay a lawyer to open succession on a small bank account now.

As the family genealogist (totally not financially related of course) let him talk.

Depending on his personality and the state of his health, ask if you can record the stories he wants to tell.

My FIL passed in December and was in Korea. He loved to talk about his military career.

My grandson got his coffin flag. When he’s a bit older I’m going to sit and listen to the recordings so he knows what a sacrifice he made and what an honor that flag is.

Really sorry for what u r dealing with. If there’s anything I want to ask me pm feel free.

I def don’t know it all (for sure) but these last couple of years have been big losses

[Lori]

Sorry for your situation. Just lost my father Fri. Just settled my mom’s estate. Then my stepdads. They had trusts set up so it was fairly easy.

He should have attorney that drafted that trust that will answer questions and file final tax papers and close the trust later.

You will need to get an ein number for the trust once he passes.

The bank was the worst hurdle for us. Then we paid bills.

Sold assets or donated those we didn’t want, and split the proceeds.

Sounds like you are in good shape and hopefully your sibling is agreeable.

Best wishes.

[Elizabeth]

Open an account for yourself that you link to the joint that is JUST used to pay expenses. Keep receipts of everything if you want to reimbursed from the estate.

Be transparent with your sibling about what is being paid for and what is not.

Be generous if your brother needs assistance to travel or wants to assist with preparations.

Prepay the funeral and make a plan for it now if you can emotionally handle that.

Even though I knew my dad was dying, it still caught me off guard how upset I was.

[Tony]

It seems like you’re already in a good financial logistics place. I’d recommend gathering your dad’s final wishes.

When my dad passed I was overwhelmed with the small planning decisions like receptions/wakes, catering, headstone engraving, etc.

the more you can figure out now from your dad (and have relatives and family share that burden with you) the better, as difficult as those conversations will be.

It’s your dad’s last bit of agency to decide how and where he would like to be remembered.

[Jennifer]

Mine was a grandparent, but I was the executor. I gave my mom and siblings regular updates about what bills came in, what was paid, etc.

The 4 of us were equal beneficiaries in an irrevocable trust.

[Lori]

Go over the trust now with him, and maybe with brother at same time, in case anything is unclear, dad can settle it now.

A relative had a trust and there were some things vague enough people wanted to argue.

Right after, you’ll need to get an atty to create a COT, and get the EIN. You’ll need both of those to get anything done.

If he has a safe deposit box, get your name on it or empty it. Don’t store important docs in it – the bank won’t let you get to them after, unless you’re on it.

Make sure the house is properly retitled with the county as part of the trust.

Good luck. I hope your family doesn’t fight about it.

It’s ok for you to take a fee as trustee. It’s a lot of work.

[Kelley]

It’s notable that you’re trying to be as informed as possible about what might come up, but don’t be hard on yourself that you didn’t think of everything.

It’s a steep learning curve and it seems like there are always things you didn’t think about no how prepared you are.

Is your dad old enough to be collecting his Social Security? If so there are some specifics about that.

First, should you need to do anything with his account in his behalf prior to his passing you have to have been named his Representative Payee—SS does not recognize a POA designation.

Second, SS is paid one month in arrears (in other words, payment for May would be made in June) *however*, SS is not allowed to make a payment to a person who is deceased.

If the payment is made and SS subsequently learns he has passed away, they may “claw back” that amount.

Therefore, if he lived the entire previous month and the payment is due (to his estate at that point) you would need to fill out form SSA-1724.

SS has very specific rules but it’s all explained well on their website.

I truly hope your dad’s passing is peaceful.

[Christyna]

This is a difficult responsibility.
1) you don’t need to be added to his bank accounts- a financial Power of Attorney document will suffice.

2) having direct beneficiaries on the financial accounts makes the process much more simple.

When the time comes, simply share his death certificate (you’ll order multiple copies), and the bank or investment company will split the money as directed.

3) you and your brother will need to create an equitable process for dividing up the 4 assets that you listed.

This will probably be the toughest part.

4) don’t plan to own the house long term with your brother. So many feuds and problems show up when people do this.

[Melanie]

In addition to lots of good info here, just spend time with your dad. If he’s coherent and able to visit, you still have time to make memories together, and it may be a great comfort for him.

Even if he’s not, it may still be a great comfort for him.

And for you. Say all the things you need to say and spend the time.

Some of the details can wait.

[Lynn]

Be as gentle with yourself as you can. These are three hard life things – having a parent in hospice, having a parent die, being an executor for the first time.

You’re figuring out what you need to do.

You’ve already identified that it’s hard emotionally AND logistically. And you’re here asking for help re the logistics.

Your dad’s hospice may offer one on one grief counseling, maybe you could start doing something like that now, too?

If your dad is up for it, let him know that you want to make sure you have a handle on your responsibilities re the estate.

See what he knows. Then I’d make an appt with his estate atty to give you a checklist and answer any questions — for what would be good to do while your dad is still living, how to make sure you have access to cash for expenses in the first months ~~ and then what to do after he dies, including what the priorities are in the first weeks/month
My sister was co-owner on Dad’s main bank account so she made sure she had plenty of cash in there

For most of this stuff, you have time. But it can also feel weird in those first few weeks of grief to be visiting financial institutions (and the DMV?) to deal with the estate

I wish your family connection and peace as you walk this journey with your dad

[Laura]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. When my dad died, the funeral home was really helpful in walking us through the necessary steps.

We actually talked with them when he first got his terminal diagnosis so that he was part of the planning.

When the time came they jumped in and helped us navigate the immediate logistics.

Know that most banks won’t care if you wait a few months to notify them so only worry about the expenses that need to be canceled at first and not closing accounts, etc.

[Allison]

My heart goes out to you, OP. It is so evident that you love your dad so well. Just wanted to give a plug for Remento- it is like storyworth but you can send them audio files which they will transcribe and can turn into a book for you.

Go through old photos with your dad and annotate who’s who. Get those secret family recipes written down.

Be present, but it’s okay to take breaks for yourself too.

Getting established with a therapist or counselor now is a great recommendation from another commenter.

[Wallace]

Do you have medical power of attorney? Power of Attorney? Copy of his will? Does he have a DNR in place? Hang in there.

The older I get it drives home that dying is part of the life cycle.

[Tara]

I am so sorry. It will take more.time than you think to distribute the trust. Taxes will need to be filed and the trust officially closed with the IRS.

The lawyers who created it will help, but will also charge you for the time. Keep travel and expense receipts.

Close the trust as soon as reasonable though as trust income is taxed at 39%.

[Caro]

My mom passed in January. She was the epitome of die with zero but all I can offer is once you get the death certificate that’s when you can take it to the phone provider to shut that down, the bank, etc.

it’s all very surreal.

I am sorry you are going through this.

[Kevin]

I’m sorry you have to go through this. It’s a big burden but you will get through it step by step.

I found it very helpful to have the login info for bank and credit card accounts in addition to any accounts in which there were subscriptions.

That saved me a lot of time and hassle because I was able to just go cancel services and do whatever else needed doing without having to produce death certificates, etc.

to access accounts.

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