[USER]

Hi – I saw someone else ask for some advice about FIRE and dating/life goals and I’d like to ask the same. I am 40 female and have worked very hard for a long time.

I’m not fired yet but I have my own home and car paid outright and I am slowly building a share portfolio.

Question1- dating + family:

The guy I have been dating the past few years has a frugal mindset but is very poor.

He comes from a poorer family than my own, and he has very insecure employment and is often out of work. He is loyal and nice tho.

He wants to get married and have a family together but I have some reservations about this bc I feel like I will have to be the provider and I don’t really know how to protect my assets in a situation like this.

Complicating factor – I do want to have a baby and am almost out of time.

I have some frozen eggs and I could do it with a donor on my own.

Should I stay with this guy even tho I feel financially vulnerable with him?

Question 2- job and country:

I was made redundant last year and have been offered a few jobs.

One is very high paying but in a different country than my home country (I have been living in this different low tax country for 10years already).

Job 1 is lower paying but in my home country. Job 2 is on the overseas country and pays $11k per month more.

I could have a baby on my own in the overseas country as they have live-in help available which is very cheap.

Should I go full barreled towards the cash and stay overseas or prioritise moving back to my home town (which I do want for my personal life).

I’ve been out of the country for 9 years and I’m bored of this country, but it is a big financial difference. The boyfriend is in the home country.

In brief – either I come back to my own home country for less money and go forward with the guy OR I stay in the low tax country and have a baby on my own.

Thoughts?

[Allison]

Which one would bring you more happiness?
And would that one be impossible to pursue financially?

[LeAnne]

Children are expensive, so anywhere you can have and raise them for less, without sacrificing health, education and safety, would be the way I’d go.

If you have close friends and/or family, that would help raise your child/children at home, that might change the equation. But I’d make darn sure they’re all-in for being your village before committing.

As for the boyfriend, if you’re sure you want to marry him, get a solid prenuptial signed before saying “I do”.

Especially if you’re going to be a mom; protect you and your child first and foremost, with the little bit of legal insurance.

If you do have a child after 40, keep in mind that you’ve got up to 18 years of parental and financial responsibility for them.

That means you’d be looking at them becoming an adult around your 60th birthday.

Just another consideration when it comes to FIRE, especially if you’re going to marry someone who’s chronically un or under employed.

[Michelle]

3) Or go back without the guy. Just because he’s there doesn’t mean you need to marry him.

To me, finances are not something I’d compromise only.

The part about him regularly being out of work is a no for me.

[Nayeli]

It sounds like your boyfriend has very different financial goals. Do you really want to be the provider and possibly raise a child while he often doesn’t work?

Trust me, you won’t want to do this.

If it’s cheaper to have the baby in a different country, I would go with that option.

[Jasmine]

I’d take the 11k higher job and have a baby on my own. Only thing harder than having a baby, is having a baby with a non-provider man in the way.

[Chantal]

Having a baby is very hard, period. I wouldn’t willingly do it alone. I had my babies at 43 and 45. Provided he is someone who pulls his weight at home, it’s so nice to have someone else equally invested in your child.

It’s nice to have someone there who takes care of you.

Pregnancy is not easy. Newborns are rough. That’s my two cents.

My concern with him being frequently out of work would be more a question of – is he going to be a competent partner?

Some people may be physically present in the home and with the child, but hardly parent or take care of the house.

[Betsy]

Wow lots of big questions. My very first reaction is that if you are asking this question to a fire forum of strangers you don’t really want to be with this person.

If you picture him as the father of your children you would not be asking “should I have a child by him or by donor”

In my opinion that’s a no on the guy. You described him as “nice”

I can relate to feeling like you are out of time. I had two children via donor with no dad present and it’s hard but feels like I took control of my life abs didn’t what I wanted before time ran out. Good for you for freezing eggs!

It’s a tough call. I don’t think money is everything. Where do you envision raising your children?

Do you have family you’d like them to be around!? Living abroad is a big sacrifice when you don’t want to be there anymore.

Based on the feeling you gave that you don’t want to be there anymore I would consider moving to home country, having a baby in your own – unless you feel you love this man and he behaves your life and makes you fell safer.

And if not so it on your own and get an au pair which is a pretty economical option.

[Victor]

See a counselor before you take the next step. This decision is crucial and BEYOND finances. You are talking about starting a family.

Choose wisely

[Jennifer]

I would take the $11k month more job and have live in help for the infant/toddler years.

Take the guy with you if you don’t want to give him up.

[Noa]

I may be wrong but it doesn’t sound like you appreciate/respect your boyfriend very much. I think your future child(ren) having a father is a huge benefit to you and to them, as long as it’s someone you love and respect and are willing to make things work.

If that’s the case, I’d make this decision with him, as a couple/family.

How close are you to FI as is? Obv 11k/month extra would go a long way, but if you are far enough along in your FI journey, you don’t need to chase more income.

If you don’t respect him now, I’d move on. You will resent him and this will go south real quick.

I spent the first 5 years of my marriage being the only income and having 2 babies while my husband was in college.

The logistics are hard, and childcare responsibilities will fall more on you, even if he isn’t working…

What helped me was knowing my husband always did his best, put us first, and helped in every way he could… but also, that this was temporary.

I never lost respect for him. If I thought he was unemployed bc he lacked character and that was permanent… It might have been a hard pill to swallow…

[Michael]

Can’t 100% answer the question without knowing where you are from,where he is from, and where you are working.
Does the country of employment recognize divorce?

Just because you have access to a Starbucks and Gucci store doesn’t mean the laws in that country are like the laws in your own.

In some countries, regardless of the issue, divorce is in favor of men 99.99999% of the time,including 100% custody of children.

Doesn’t matter if you’re a punching bag..judge will rule in favor of the man.

If you work/live in a country like this, then I’d say avoid local marriage

In a Western country, like the US,for example,you can get a prenuptial agreement to protect any assets acquired before marriage.

[Jennifer]

Financial mindset is very important in marriage. I’d think about how this could affect your relationship long term.

[Valerie]

It sounds like you could be a single parent whether or not you marry this guy. If he isn’t motivated or together enough to not just be employed, but to better his situation, then he isn’t going to be motivated to be a great co-parent.

The fact that you are even asking about these options shows he is a convenience (even if this is a long distance relationship, which by definition is inconvenient).

If you had strong feeling about him you wouldn’t ask.

$11k more per month is huge. This would get you to your fire goal much faster. Supporting a husband would strain this. Kids are are a huge long term expense.

And that’s healthy kids. Being an older mother increases your risk of pregnancy related issues and potential health issues for the child, both of which can be financially disruptive.

If I were in your position and felt the desire for kids, given what you’ve said, I’d go it alone with the better paying job.

You can always choose another location in that country for a change.

[Joe]

If you stay with the boyfriend, then you will be the breadwinner and will have to support him and your kids. You will also have to achieve FIRE for both of you.

Making more money will allow you to FIRE faster. It’s up to you if it’s worth it.

[Suzi]

Not financial advice, but having a child on your own is doable, but really hard. Having family nearby or a partner will make the experience more enjoyable.

Perhaps you are the breadwinner, but he has the caretaker.

The roles should be defined and agreed upon before starting a family together.

Secure your assets with a prenup and if he’s not willing to sign, then that answers your question too.

[Amy]

If you really want a family I would do that now because there is a time window involved. I would only stick with the guy permanently if you can convince him he needs to change jobs/ improve his income.

Why wouldn’t that be an option before now if you are serious about the guy.

[Brandy]

Random thoughts….
It sounds like you’ve been dating this guy only long distance and long distance enough to matter. How often do you see each other? And for how long?

It doesn’t sound like you love him. There are worse things in life than a marriage of convenience to build a family life with someone you respect, but in this case, you already see he doesn’t check some important boxes, like being a good provider or even equal provider and that doesn’t sit well for you.

Being chronically unemployed is a choice and I wonder how you’d feel day in and day out with this, even if he is childcaring.

As for the other important boxes, I wonder if you can actually know what you’re getting if you’ve only dated long distance?

Being close changes rhe dynamics big time. Hopefully he is all you think he is, but there are often surprises when you live closer and do more of life together.

Will you be ok with him doing the role you want while you do the role you want him to do?

If you think you’ll be fine being the main breadwinner, then that’s fine, but it doesn’t sound like you are built that way.

Marriage is hard, marriage to the wrong person is harder than raising kids alone.

But raising kids alone is hard too, especially when you see they do need/want a dad and you want love and support in the journey. Even when adults, you are still on a journey with them.

Being childless later in life is hard too if you did want children. For me personally, I’d never choose RE over having children, but that may not be true for you.

My thought is, can you return home and make a 2nd job of getting out there and finding someone that is truly a better fit for you and that you can actually love?

When you shed things that aren’t right, sometimes the right thing happens faster than you can imagine from your current view.

(This, to the other comment here, provided your home country is one where you are protected as a person and as a woman.)

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