[USER]

Looking for financial advice re: divorce.
Let me preemptively say yes, we are working with a mediator/lawyer. We are planning to mediate. All I am doing here is trying to flesh out my thoughts.

My spouse and I are separating. He has a host of significant mental health issues and he has been in-and-out of treatment for years.

Things are quite amicable–largely because I accommodate his mental health issues.

For example, he has lived out of the house for 1 year now and I basically do all the parenting–and so has allowed him to be more emotionally regulated and thus engage in calmer ways around the kids.

I am willing to do this for now, until the kids are older.

Here are the details:
We have 6-year-old twins.
I will have the kids for 6 nights; he will have them for 1.

I am self-employed and my income varies very much. For example, I could have a $40k month and then a $2k month. So this is making me quite nervous.

He is w2. His income is very stable and he provides health care for the family

when we split, he will cover kids healthcare.
I will have to find my own health care

the only debt we have is a $350k remaining on a house. And $30k on my student loans at 2%.

I am 48 and 6 years older than him.

RETIREMENT: My retirement is largely underfunded because I spent many years in school.

He is proposing to divide our retirements 50/50 AND he wants to divide Roth assets vs non-Roth assets. So we would each get $100k from Roth and each get $320k from non-Roth retirement.

HOUSE: We have about $60k in equity from the house. He is proposing that I pay him $15k and I keep the house.

CHILD SUPPORT: He does not yet realize that he will have to pay child support. He thinks that we will continue to talk and divide the child care expenses 50/50. There is no way I will do this.

First, I have the kids the overwhelming majority of the time so I already pay more. Second, the legal purpose of childcare is to ‘pay for a roof over the head and clothes on the back’ I used the public calculator and he will owe about $1500/month based on current overnights.

Here’s the thing–and this is a major thing–money is his biggest trigger. He goes crazy about it all the time.

And also, I know how much money he makes and he does not have $1500 additional per month.

CASH: There is $50k cash in a business account that he does not know about but is technically marital assets so I will disclose.

Here are my questions. Again, I have a lawyer but I am looking to brainstorm and would appreciate any feedback. I find talking in groups like these with smart people can spark solid ideas that I can then bring to my lawyer

Here is my main question:
If he cannot pay child support, are there other creative strategies you would consider?

I am not interested in getting the money if it means he’ll be an absolute lunatic and be unstable for the kids. There’s a price for me on his emotional stability.

Any thoughts?
If you read this far and anything occurred to you–even if it was not something I thought to ask–I’d appreciate your input.

[Connie]

Maybe forgo CS or lower amount in favor of getting sole physical custody and sole decision making for the kids.

So, if you want to travel or get passport if they don’t have it yet, you don’t need to get his permission.

[Amie]

Most states will not allow you to waive child support. There’s a calculator and that’s that.

I’d inquire about that first.

[Arielle]

You can waive child support. It requires extra documentation and sign off by the judge.

If that is going to be the biggest trigger you could negotiate dropping child support in exchange for XYZ which I think in your case might be a different split of assets like the retirement funds, etc.

In my case I agreed to swapping my ex paying monthly child support for him covering all child related school, childcare, medical and after curricular expenses.

[Katie]

Verify when you will lose healthcare. Most plans will be the end of the month the divorce is finalized.

I’d make that a priority, along with a big fund emergency fund to smooth out your low income months.

Do you think a 50/50 split of retirement is fair?

How long have you been married and were some of the retirement funds accumulated before marriage?

[Sarah]

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I don’t have any personal experience, but the one thing I’d check with your lawyer is what their thoughts are on child support.

Let’s say you take a lower amount.

Is that adjustable later on (example: pay increase for him)?

Would there be a way to do a lower amount and slowly increase until it’s at the appropriate amount?

What would that look like legally/administratively?

I totally understand that keeping him from feeling triggered is important, but you also need to make sure you have the necessary funds to provide for the kids since your income is so variable.

[Candace]

Is the business in both your names? If not I don’t think the money in the business account is a marital asset, it would be an asset of the business, no?

[Tre]

Have you talked directly to your lender to determine if you are you able to qualify for the mortgage on your own? And if your mortgage rate is assumable?

$380k debt, two kids, and a highly variable income feels a bit rough.

You’re “keeping the house” but you’re also signing up for $350k of debt solely responsible, without his supplemental income helping to pay the mortgage or maintenance.

No wonder why he is proposing you keep the house, taking $15k tax free and “generously” gifting you $15k (it’s basically what he would miss out anyways if you sold for transactions fees!).

He gets to have zero financial obligations, 1 night a week, and take off with a $420k net worth.

You get a house, maybe worth $410k but who really knows these days + sale cost are likely around $25k (6% which could be less, but there are also cost to prep your home, maintain dual residences for a time while moving, credits or things to fix after an inspection).

So right now you are getting a whopping maybe $35k asset, but on the hook for $350k if things go poorly while trying to keep two 6 year olds fed and housed.

And btw your healthcare out of pocket can be $1k+ a month on the exchange.

Yikes!
But if it’s important to him that his kids are in that home, that’s the angle I would work on.

ALL OF THAT SAID
You mentioned a business account, and that you are variable income. Your business if you own it, not just the cash, is ALSO a marital asset that he can come after.

If this gets contentious he can very well try to get an independent business evaluator to price it (which are expensive and come out of the joint assets), and then you get your own and fight it the valuation (more dwindling) and depending on the value he could very well get more of the retirement assets to “buy himself out” of it.

[Malory]

I just wanted to give you a virtual hug. I’m going through a divorce right now with a man I truly love, but also suffers from severe mental health issues. Divorce is already hard.

Tiptoeing around our former partners triggers is a whole other level. I don’t have any advice.

But I want you to know that I love you. I’m so proud of you. You are so strong, and you have been so strong for so long.

Being a momma, a business owner, and often times caretaker to another grown human is an incredible feat.

I hope you realize how much you’ve accomplished.
I’m sure it doesn’t feel like it right now, but baby. You will find joy. Your job will get easier.

We didn’t ask for this, but we have an opportunity to rewrite our story. Our life will be fresh and new, and what ever we decide to make of it.

I’m so proud of you for everything that you’ve accomplished, and I am so excited for where your life will take you

[Terrie]

Children cost exponentially more as they get older, please don’t short change your twins now.

While I don’t have personal experience, friends have had to take their ex back to court to get support increased when ex got raises/new job with much higher salary etc.

Please bring this up with your attorney.

[Kristin]

How long have the two of you been married? You may want to keep requirements for potential future social security benefits in mind, if you’re close to the 10 year mark.

The mental health thing really scares me. Are you really comfortable with him having the kids overnight, even if it’s only one night per week?

While you might be able to mitigate some of the mental health issues by appeasing him now, who is to say that a future partner will be willing or able to do the same?

Or, that he will take steps to keep these issues in check when you are no longer married?

I applaud you for trying to keep his emotional stability regulated for the kids.

I’m just really concerned that you won’t have influence or control over these things if he ever gets into another relationship, or if he doesn’t react well to the reality of your divorce and his child support order.

Maybe some stipulations/conditions (formal mental health evaluation, meds, counseling?) need to be written into the divorce agreement for him to be allowed to spend time with the kids without supervision.

[Stef]

My income varies widely from month to month, and the way to sleep well is a fat savings account to ride out multiple low months in a row.

You can COBRA for up to 3 years, it may be better and cheaper than your alternatives.

With mine, I left it to him to set child support. Which is separate from 1/2 of expenses.

He came back with a higher number than I would have asked for (but lower than the state guidelines, which were more than he could afford).

As a tactic it helped my now ex feel more in control.

[July]

Be humane, this is the person you choose to have children with and is obviously going through health challenges that will not resolve (mental health tends to deteriorate as we age).

You seem to have $$$ do the right thing and be fair.

[Author]

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