[USER]

I just turned 34 this month. I’ve been with my wife since 2018. We got married in 2022. When we first met I was starting a new solopreneur career and I immediately let her know how important Financial Independence is to me.

She has said many times that it is something that she would also like to pursue.

I don’t have a college degree so my method of getting ahead will be through hard work. I’m a musician. At the top end, I make 110k a year.

Unfortunately, covid happened 2 years into my career and that level of income does not go as far as it used to.

So I’m constantly doing things on the side. I do own a condo that I rent out as a midterm rental. I also manage my wife’s condo as a mid-term rental.

We just bought a house and I did 90 percent of the renovation work myself and hope to turn it into a mid-term rental. I drive for Amazon. I’ve done Uber and Lyft.

I’ve charged scooters. I’ve done Turo. Garage door repairs. Basically, I’m always trying to figure out some way to get more money to invest.

We don’t live a bad life. We travel a lot, more than most people. We aren’t really on a strict budget. We enjoy a nice dinner out. It’s not like we are on Dave Ramsey’s Rice and Beans plan.

We don’t really have debt outside of mortgages and a little bit of student loans.

We don’t have kids yet.

Ok, I say all that to say this, though she says all the right things I feel like she is fighting me at every turn.

There hasn’t been a single side hustle that hasn’t been a fight for her to be okay with me doing it.

Not a single thing. It took me about a year to convince her that we could open credit cards to travel more affordably.

I feel like every month I have to remind her what FI is, why it’s important to me, and if it’s still something she wants to pursue with me.

It’s just really demoralizing cause I feel like I’m dragging her kicking and screaming against her will. And I hear so many podcasts of wives who supported their husbands and it just makes me sad.

Because at the end of the day, everything I’m doing is for us and our future children.

I’d just like some advice. Am I doing something wrong? Is there something I can do better? I feel like if we were in this together, the sky’s the limit. Instead most days I just feel like just giving up on FI.

[Beck]

For most women (and this is true for me), security is #1 in their brains. She may view all of the side hustles as lack of security.

You’re a hard worker, but it may feel scattered to her.

I would suggest a good marriage counselor.

I don’t think this is something that is insurmountable, I just think she may not know how to put her finger on what’s causing her discomfort – so she kicks and screams.

[Beck]

Valerie Vines Ellis
Did she oppose the side jobs because it meant less time with you?

Because that’s valid too. Not everyone will be as passionate about FI or any other goals as the next person.

Just communicate often and compromise. Lots of people are opposed to credit card usage because of the danger of debt accumulation and mismanagement.

Sounds like she eventually came around and her comfort with your methods and trust in the process is just as important as the goal you’re trying to achieve.

Do what you can to keep moving towards your goals, celebrate tangible wins with her to help her see the value and the targets.

Don’t expect her to match your enthusiasm.

[Stacey]

Maybe you aren’t actually compatible. Hold off on kids, as there is nothing one can do to change another person, and you have to way your priorities in life, what makes you happy.

For me FI is a core attribute of my personhood and I couldn’t just stop.

Granted, I am not as much of a “romantic” as most people!

[Jule]

Do you have shared short and long term plans? It sounds like you do all the planning and drag her along with it. And by planning, I am including an actionable list to support the plans.

Also, perhaps she also doesn’t like that you 10 different hustles instead of a stable career, focus on it and grow it.

Women like stability, not someone who flies by the seat of your pants.

It’s great to have side jobs, but have something stable where she feels secure.

Lastly, I’d slow down on travel until you pay off all your debt, including student loans.

[Bradley]

Do yall actually get time to do things together other than an occasional dinner or trip?

Or are you side hustling ever waking hour you can?

Maybe she just wants time with you?

[Stacey]

“Basically I’m always trying to figure out some way to get more money to invest”

“I’m constantly doing things on the side”
Are you too focused/obsessed?

Are the things you are doing actually worth your time? Do you even know how much your time is worth?

A side- gig could be great. Or it could be something you are making $2/hr at.

Is you constant side hustling taking away from things you should be doing at home?

You may see it as she is not supporting you, and she may see it as, you need to empty the dishwasher and put a load of laundry in.

[Meg]

It’s so hard when someone you care about has a default reaction of “no”. It is totally demoralizing.

Sometimes I prep my spouse with “please don’t default to no about this new idea I have, I’ve thought a lot about it and it’s for our future and I’d like to explore it a little bit before I dive fully in.

Can we talk about it and you assume positive intent from me while I explore?”

[Steph]

Counseling is probably good for both of you together. Have you tell her all this and how it makes you feel.

Also, maybe her resistance doesn’t have to do with you, she’s not trying to question you, she’s probably scared, all of these is new to her.

Maybe just have a deeper conversation about her fears and yours. Have more compassion for each other

[Beth]

I’m going to be blunt. Don’t have kids, not in this relationship. It exacerbates every possible problem and challenge and disagreement you’ll ever have.

Who you marry matters.

If your lifestyles aren’t aligned, what is?

If you’re not supporting each other, what are you doing together?

[Chad]

Sounds like you need to budget and track net worth. It’s okay so spend money on yourself in the now and not for future.

My mom passed away from cancer when she was 52. I was 20 at the time.

Life isn’t guarantee. Make sure you make memories now and not just for the future.

Yousaid so yourself, you don’t budget but I would keep track of your savings rate and track net worth. You don’t have a budget.

Does she do side work / hours outside of normal job and have earned income?

I would look at that and let her know that the constant work is giving you stress that your planning for the future and she doesn’t want you away from the house it seems like, so what can you both do together that will move you toward that path.

[Joyce]

Just from a woman perspective, it sounds to me she’s not necessary fighting against FI, but fighting for your attention and wanting you to spend more time with her, since you are busy hustling out there.

Perhaps find a side hustle that you guys can do together?

[Stephanie]

The best book I can recommend is 8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman. Its about the 8 essential conversations needed for a lifetime of love. One of the chapters is about money.

Counseling could also be very helpful.

I would recommend finding a counselor that has training from the Gottman Institute as the Gottmans are the leading experts in relationships.

They have written many other books on marriage and relationships together.

[Linda]

I’m sure it’s discouraging, but just so you know this is a VERY common problem. Maybe it’s the way you’re approaching it.

Make sure you start with the Y and the dreaming part and not always the negative, cutting back, sacrifice part.

I recommend meet settings, podcast, money for couples.

It’s a combination of personal finance and couples therapy.

I also recommend you Google the Money Guy Show and how to get your spouse on board with FI.

They have a good way of handling the conversations that might give you a better outcome. You might not realize that you were coming off in a way.

That’s not conducive to productive conversations. And discussing it with a therapist is also a great idea. Best of luck.

[Aaron]

1. Did you all discuss fire and your goals and such and agree for it to be a focus before the marriage? If so, then drill into what has changed to cause her to go back on what’s been agreed.

If you didn’t have these convos then you might have just married someone that isn’t into this and you might just be in for a tough trek.

2. I don’t know the detail about all these side hustles but I’m not sure I would be into that either and I’m super into FI.

If it was like going around doing all these random things at random times and grinding to save a few bucks that doesn’t sound inspiring.

My wife resists making any spread sheets of any kind ever but she’s an active participant in our fire plans.

We aren’t turtoring on the side or anything like that we have structured our life so that within our income we had a lot of margin then we focused on building a business of rentals and we have clear targets and plans for that to create more freedom for us.

Wherever possible I combine the fi goals with stuff that’s important to her and we are able to both stay engaged even though it’s not if the same importance to her as it is to me..

So basically you may want to find a different way to approach going to Fire.

I wouldn’t be pleased if my wife showed up one day planning to be out delivering groceries or something many hours a week.

That sounds sucky and i wanna see her and I’d be skeptical of how great an impact it would have

[Melissa]

That’s impressive all the side hustles you’re doing! A hard conversation is to be had with your wife and counseling I would highly recommend!

We’re hearing your side but not hers.

Ask her to be honest about how she is feeling about all this.

Communication is so important in a marriage (I’ve been married 41 years).

I am praying for you both and hope you two come to an amicable decision.

[Bethany]

None of this advice means absolutely anything if you don’t explore the reasons WHY your wife is kicking and screaming against your plans.

It’s a partnership, she’s a full on adult, she’s allowed to have opinions and priorities that don’t completely align with yours.

Why wasn’t she ok with opening more credit cards?

If you can’t answer that, really answer it, then you’ve just been brow beating her over the head with your decisions rather than working on your future TOGETHER.

Same with any other disagreement.

[Meghan]

Two things I’ve noticed that can change a person’s outlook and motivation towards managing money is

1) having shared future goals and

2) seeing progress and what good financial habits can actually do over time.

I’d argue #2 is the even more important and a precursor for #1. I’ve been with my boyfriend since 2017 and only in the last year I set up a Google sheet for us to track monthly spending but also the change in our net worth month to month.

We sit down together to update and review it every month – takes maybe 30 min. He goes through his spending and accounts and I go through mine and we update the shared sheet.

At the end of last year we did a “year in review” and we both calculated how much we saved, invested and student loan debt paid down for the year.

My boyfriend has never been great with money / always had a negative outlook towards it and he was amazed at how much he was able to save / invest in a year with consistent habits.

That’s when I noticed the biggest change in his motivation around money.

He saw what he could accomplish and now gets excited about our progress towards shared goals each month (we also track these in our sheet – we have a short term and long term goal we jointly save for – dog and a house).

I’ve noticed a huge change in his attitude but also his initiative and participation in our finances.

Empower your wife to see the progress and how her behavior makes a difference and figure out what is most motivating to her. Your “why” is FI but hers may be something else!

You got this

[Author]

Posts