[USER]

Anyone ever been in a situation like this? My grandmother died near the end of 2024. I had a good relationship with her, even if we were not close in her later years.

When I was younger, I spent a lot of time with her. I cleaned her house for her, ran errands with her, etc.

My brother was never that close with her. I just found out she left him 120K in stocks and life insurance. She left me 9K.

My brother has a smaller family than I do and far less financial obligations, so she didn’t do it because he desperately needed it. I just don’t understand. It’s not really about the money.

I just feel so hurt and deceived. Others have known about this for about a year, but I didn’t know until today.

I’m grateful for what my grandmother left me, but it’s so hard not to wonder what in the heck I did wrong.

[Warren]

I hate this is coming out of my mouth, but it might be the truth and logic you are seeking. A lot of older people (especially women) think that a man is the head of the house and solely responsible for the family.

So, her giving your brother a ton more is because he has the “burden and responsibility” to provide for the family (not just his wife/kids family, but also his parents, aunts/uncles, etc).

You are to be taken care of by your husband, your dad, your brother. “You don’t need it he does” type thing. Does that make any sense to you?

[Lisa]

Are you Asian female by any chance? If you are, that would be why. When my grandparents passed away, they left almost everything to their only grandson, and nothing to their 3 granddaughters.

I don’t need money and I didn’t expect anything anyway so I don’t mind but this is pretty typical of Asian families

[Jason]

So, it was your grandma’s money at the end of the day. She can distribute it any way she desires. Somehow, indirectly you’re equating less inheritance money to something you did wrong.

There may be reasons only known to her, why she distributed the inheritance the way she did.

Maybe she was feeling guilty for having spent so little time with your brother and his family that she gave him more. But she was able to spend more time with you.

Although money can be sometimes be used to show love, it may also be used to try to compensate for lack of love or time spent.

Unfortunately you’ll probably never find out why.

It’s better to cherish all the memories you were able to have with her that your brother did not, slowly move on, and don’t beat yourself up with the unknown.

[Yuliya]

It is out of your control. If your brother has a smaller house or didn’t have one at all and you have a big house with two mortgages, you may look better off.

Also, your grandmother could be old fashioned and assume the husband has to provide. As others said, you will never find out.

Don’t worry about it.

Your brother could share his part, if he wanted to but if he didn’t feel like doing it, it is up to him. You really should move on.

[Jenn]

If you’re truly trying to FIRE, your plan should never count on an inheritance unless you already have it AND want to share it with your spouse/ partner.

[Cinthia]

Unpopular opinion here but I think your grandma “betrayed” you and you’re entitled to feel sad and angry. You can keep digging for an answer but maybe you will never get an explanation.

Get some therapy to help you make peace with it and learn the sad lesson that loved ones hurt us just because.

Your brother could try to even things out but he’s not doing it either.

Reconsider your relationship with him.

[Av]

It was her decision. No point pining away for fairness. Life is full of such unfairness and betrayal.

Before she died, one of the last things my mom did was try to hoax me into being her personal injury lawyer because she was told it was an easy $70,000.

She had no injuries that I know of and I am not a personal injury lawyer,

[Lit]

He probably has less than you? My parents always help my brother out who they presume is less successful financially than my sister and I….

[Josette]

I’m so sorry that happened given the time that you gave and the size of your family versus your brother … it seems that you would have gotten more or at least … received 50%.

It’s easy for people to say don’t worry. The truth is … you do want to know. Would it be bad if you asked your brother?

You aren’t asking for more money.. you just want insight.
Side note: I really wanted an answer or at least I thought I did. When I found out, I actually wished that I never knew.

So, just be prepared that the answer may still not give you the closure that you need.

[Bailey]

Your feelings are totally understandable but maybe you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s very possible that she meant to go back and even things out but forgot or failed to before she died.

Maybe she had other stock earmarked for you but then sold it for her own living expenses?
In my family, when a grandparent died and left uneven amounts to one child versus his other, the kid who got more evened it out himself and never told the sibling about the deceased parent’s distribution.

It’s unfortunate that wasn’t done in your family but you’ll likely never know.

[Jeffin]

You don’t always get what you give. Be it love, energy, money or time. That’s been one of my biggest learnings growing up.

I give what I can without expecting anything in return.

If I can’t give the money, energy or time to someone I have learnt to say no as well.

[Vincent]

My grandma left equal inheritance to all grandkids, but I found out that she had contributed to my older cousins’ IRAs every year since they began working until her death, which she had not done for me and my siblings.

I was also really hurt by this because we were close. It’s impossible to know if that was on purpose or an accident, but I love my cousins and choose not to be bitter towards them or my grandma’s memory.

I just keep it in mind for my own estate planning

[Duong]

If it is not about the money as you said, just let it go. There is nothing you can do to change.

[Susan]

This would really bother me too. The only thing I could think of is that she is old fashioned and believes that the man is supposed to support his family and the woman doesn’t have that obligation so you don’t need the money.

This is a stupid way of thinking but sometimes old people think this way.

If it were you I would talk to my parents and see what they think the reasoning behind this was.

[Christine]

You’re worrying about something you can’t change and wanting answers you’ll never get. Sucks but it’s true. Best to make peace with it and move on.

Reflect on your good memories and forget about the money side of it entirely.

[Robert]

It’s impossible for you to know why your grandmom made the decision she made. And I can tell you’re obviously grieving that decision as well as the fact that you’ve lost her.

and the sucky thing about this is that since she is gone that you’re probably never really going to have closure as to why she made the decision she made.

And closure is extremely important psychologically. I would hook up with the grief, therapist or grief, counselor; and go from there.

[Diane]

The question about whether you’re Asian made me think about an Italian family that operated very much like this. It was assumed that the males would be head of the family and needed more resources.

The women should have men supporting them. Very old school (and ridiculous) but if I were you, this is the answer I would go with.

In fact, if there’s no known reason she would snub you and it was an open secret in your family, maybe it is most likely.

When a family member hurts you, you don’t just “get over it,” but maybe having a less hurtful explanation will help over time.

[Cindy]

I would be hurt too if it wasn’t equal amounts. It’s not necessarily about the money but just some unanswered questions as to why the discrepancy.

I would focus on the childhood memories with her and realize you just never know the why behind it.

[Michele]

You did nothing wrong and it’s ok to feel hurt at this obvious inequity and to grieve the loss of your grandmother. I hope you can find peace on this.

It’s not your fault. It could completely be gender norms or grandma’s perception of your stability versus your brother.

Some elders considered contributing less to a sibling “bc they are doing fine”, other family said the same thing when doing their wills.

We had to convince them that it’s not about what we all have but what they are leaving to others is their legacy to them and it should be equitable.

Perhaps whoever had grandma’s ear didn’t think like this.

[Valerie]

You’ll never know and it’s not worth worrying about it now because you can’t change anything.

[Author]

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