[USER]

Looking for advice, or maybe just someone to tell me that I’m making the right decision before it’s too late. I am divorcing, it was unexpected but needed and will be such a blessing in the end, I have no doubts.

Our marriage did not honor God at all and I was desperately trying to honor my vows despite the destruction it was causing my children and me.

So, I, after much convincing by him, left a very long and healthy career to raise our youngest full time.

A few months after leaving my career, he filed divorce after a series of violent events trying to scare me away from questioning what I found out was, his cheating on me.

Anyway, I for months, continued to stay home with our youngest son and older children because I was called to be still, and I listened, which was terrifying for me because I’ve worked at least 1, sometimes 2 jobs since I turned 15, so to be out of work and staying in that place was against everything I felt I needed to do, but I stayed still, trying to soak up the time I was blessed with, to raise my children full time for the first time in our lives.

Several months in I started doing doordash when the kids were away to make some extra money and it truly sustained me but wasn’t enough for the long term.

Then, months into this, I received a call from my former boss asking me to come back to the company I left the year prior.

This call made me really understand why God was telling me to be still for so long, He knew, I was just clueless and trusting Him but He knew all along why He was calling me to be still for so long.

So I returned to my former role, I still do doordash to make extra money to help me afford life and lawyer fees.

We recently settled and I have been shocked and also hopeful and trying to decipher what will be the best for us.

I was told he gets $30K of my retirement because he was not investing much in his.

Was given the opportunity to keep my kids in our home, but will have to pay him $120K to do it.

(That includes the $30K he would have already gotten) This amount makes me sick but I have been looking into the benefits and other possibilities and really feel in my gut that it is best for my kids and me to hand over my full retirement.

Things to consider in answering me, the house is valued at $450K but, improvements were made, and a full bathroom was added with no appraisal done so I believe it could be worth more.

The interest rate is good! Was 3.78% when we purchased the home so this is a big reason why I feel it makes the most sense to stay.

They are currently twice that rate so I’d be paying more to move to a smaller house, plus the costs and work involved in moving.

I know I can’t do it soon with the rates what they are, but in a few years, I could refinance to save again once the rates are lower.

I am young enough that I can start reinvesting in my retirement again as much as I’m able but know that at some point, I can downsize and have a healthy amount of money to buy a smaller house and hopefully put my 401K back where it was.. am I making a terrible decision and about to sink my own boat or is this as doable as I feel it is?

I am really hoping to hear some advice that will help me before I risk everything I’ve worked for…

[Victoria]

legally the courts and laws in your area can be completely different.

Suggest you call your local circuit court and ask if they have a free legal help day. That way you can actually meet with a real, member of the bar attorney.

They can review some of your basic documents and point out issues, possibly even refer you to local options to apply for legal assistance – if you meet the criteria or suggest several local attorneys.

Because you need a real attorney in your area to review all documents to let you know if there is anything you can legally do at this point.

DO NOT DELAY AS MOST, IF NOT ALL LEGAL DOCUMENTS HAVE A DEADLINE TO FOLLOW UP OR YOU LOSE YOUR CHANCE.

[Nicole]

It’s sounds good in theory, but there are a lot of things to consider. You have to first look into who is on the mortgage currently.

If both then you would have to speak to the bank and see if it’s possible to remove him without refinancing.

If you have to refinance then it might not be worth taking over the house. You also have to take into consideration the economy everything is inflated right now.

If you look into years of trends there’s always a crash at some point.

So just make sure if there’s a crash you would still be in good shape. So, if it’s worth 400,000 now if you give him 120,000 would you still be okay if the economy crashed and it was now only worth 200,000.

Good thing is you will always have a stable home that is yours and if something where to happen, i.e. loss of job banks work with you

[Maeva]

Definitely sounds doable and making a plan ahead of time makes it all possible!

[Chiamaka]

I agree that you do have a great plan–for now.
In regards to your retirement, history has shown us that having 401ks alone does not cut it.

So, take this time to delve into fully educating yourself while seeking the assistance of successful financial pros

[Tesse]

All financial advice aside, please get checked for STD’s. I’ll refrain from saying anything about your husband. Facebook would NOT appreciate my words after reading of his treatment and demands of you.

I will add I’m glad he will be out of your life.

And pray he hasn’t given you anything that can’t be treated with antibiotics.
Big hugs.

[Tara]

ASAP – Hire your own lawyer and get fudiciary financial advisor. He should be paying you alimony and child support.

Do not touch your 401K.

[Kelli]

Be still.. And let God work it out for you.. Sounds like he showed you the way already… He will light your path the rest of the way!!!

After the payment of 401k.. Invest more it’s making a killing right now!!! You got this.. And God has you!

[Katie]

You’ll get a lot of financial advice here, so let me comment first from one divorced mom to another.

There is no price you can put on your kids’ stability and happiness. If they want to stay in their childhood home, then this is worth whatever retirement sacrifices you are making.

Not having to move, change schools, or add any additional, drastic change/upheaval to their lives will pay off in the long run.

Financially speaking, with the current happenings in government right now, I think there will be even more economic instability for the next several months (at least).

That would impact how much you would be able to get from selling the home, or even if you are able to sell it at all.

[Jamie]

You have an excellent head on your shoulders, and I think your plan is sound. Real estate values go up, if the home is maintained. It’ll keep your kids in familiar surroundings.

You have a plan for building your retirement back up in the future.

I say do it. God bless you and your kids in this new season of your lives, as I have no doubt He will. I hope you’re all very happy going forward.

[Sara]

You need a financial advisor, and maybe also an accountant. These aren’t easy calcs, and you’re right, they have long-term implications.

My gut says “keep the house” (and change all the locks), but, that might not be the right answer.

You need expert advice.

[Melinda]

Give him the money from your 401, be done with it. Then just start your retirement over. Sounds like the easiest and best thing to do.

At least you have that available to you.

Many women don’t and would have to sell their house or takeout a second mortgage and thats not usually doable in the midst of a divorce.

[Lori]

Definitely pay your husband off with your 401k. It’s non taxable to you so that’s a win.

Any other funds you could use to pay him with would first be subject to income tax

Your plan sounds perfect to me

[Dee]

You need a lawyer immediately. Do not trust your ex–or any stranger on the internet–to protect your best interests.

Your lawyer will.

[Lisa]

I have seen a lot of women keep homes in a divorce that they cannot really afford. They cannot keep up with the maintenance etc.

Keeping kids in the same schools is.

important.

[Macheal]

My daughter just went through this 3 years ago. He was also cheating. She had to pay him equality for the house. They whined up keeping their own retirement because his is done when he dies.

She fought for the house because her kids didn’t want to lose their house since he walked out on them.

Interest rate is the same you are talking about.

Hang in there you will be better off in the long run. It’s really tough going through this now. Praying for you and your kids

[Jill]

I dont have kids but went through something similar. The $120k I am assuming is his share of the equity? When I divorced I wanted the house so I had to pay my ex his share of the equity and had to take out a line of credit for $33k so I really struggled for a while.

25yrs later I’m still in my same house with over $400k in equity now so it was the best decision I ever made.

On a side note I could have collected alimony because my ex made so much more money than I, however I didn’t want the connection with him so I didnt pursue it.

He did try to fight for my retirement which was all my money because he never saved a dime and when I threatened alimony he let that go real quick.

I would assume you’re getting child support? I would also look into alimony since you have kids to think about.

[Audra]

I’m sorry for what you are going through. Get a lawyer and a good financial planner ASAP. It sounds like you got a good plan mapped out. It’s tough but you can survive it.

My ex abandoned me and our three kids right as our oldest was graduating high school. I had to sell our marital home as I could not afford to buy him out.

Me and the three kids went from 3700 sq ft house to a 1500 sq ft townhouse.

I had been working part time for almost 20 years. He tanked his family business and then when covid hit his child support obligation was minimal. We survived.

The kids and I are closer now than we ever were. I’m currently in the process of moving south, which has always been my dream. You will make it. Good luck to you

[Carole]

Considering so many men don’t pay their court ordered child support, even if you feel that amount of money is a fair dollar amount, have them take it from future child support payments instead of your retirement.

[Betty]

I am sorry for your situation, but you are right, it is all in God’s plan and His time. That said, I will not be advising you but tell you my situation.

I was not able to even contribute to a 40k until I was 43 years old. My husband was contributing to his own 401k, which started a few years prior to mine.

Mine always had some sort of employer match, his did not.

He is 2 years younger than me and we have no children together.
When he turned 60 he was able to fully retire under his employer plan, and I was able to retire also under his plan (not Social Security).

Just before my 70’s birthday he told me he wanted a divorce. He had fallen in love with another woman. We divorced and my retirement benefit dropped by half.

I let him keep all of his 401k, and I kept mine, and I kept the house. He took whatever else he wanted which included an RV.

At 70, I switched my retirement over to my own Social Security benefit, which just about tripled what I had been getting on his as his ex-wife.

He still wanted us to sell our house (no mortgage). At this point, I hired an attorney. I was able to keep my house but had to pay him $150k.

My house is worth about the same as yours, and I have plenty of retirement money.

Also, one day out of the blue, I got a call from an old friend from my last job. He wanted to go to lunch and just catch up.

I hadn’t seen him since I retired. Long story short, we have been happily married for the past 2 years.

I truly believe in His plan for me as I am in such a good place. My new husband has helped open my heart and mind to Jesus Christ. A place I’m in for the first time in my life.

My hope for you is to keep the faith. All will be okay.

[Author]

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