[USER]

Generosity should be given with a cheerful heart, but sometimes when relatives see that one has e tea, they feel that you should willingly give.

someone asks about ways to reduce taxes, the first thing people say is to donate to charity.

That’s because the assumption is that if you gave more than enough, then you should give away to others.

However it’s very difficult to be generous when you have made so many sacrifices to save every penny and invest. Meanwhile you see others eating out, taking vacations and making none of the efforts it took for you to get here.

As an example, my husband and I share a vehicle. While he was visiting his mom an hour away I had to run an errand. It had to be done that day to meet a deadline. I ended up riding a bike a few miles away to where I had to go.

I live in the suburbs, not a big city, so just getting out of my neighborhood was quite the experience.

Not a huge deal.
Yet his mom and stepdad approached us with a challenge they have that both cars are very old and falling apart. They asked us about our thought to lease a brand new car. Not just any car, an SUV.

They were notified when I told them to sell both cars and stop spending more repairs than the cars are worth and buy a used but few mikes Honda Civic. Yes, one vehicle. They are retired but with very little in savings outside of SS.

This example is just one out of many we’ve gone though. People only see our excess because of the home we live in (bought in a ln affluent neighborhood and spent a lot of sweat and money updating it), our jobs, and our vacations (miles accumulated through work and hotels at employee rates).

We do earn a great living and they came through great sacrifices that involved no student loans, grants or anything other that tons of overtime after our full time hours were fulfilled to pay for tuition.

Oh and lots of skipped meals to be able to afford living like a college student with no help.

We have saved and invested a lot and because of those sacrifices that we continue to make, it’s why we are with many millions.

No one wants to put in the work, they just want the outcome to be shared with them.

How do you reconcile with this, not just with family but also even friends and strangers?

[Amy]

You seem like my hubby and me. Frugal to a T. I still shop for 90% of my clothes at thrift stores. And I am very well dressed.

Congratulations on all your hard work and keep it up. Not sure how people are expecting you to share it with them though.

Your story about the parents and the car for example.

They weren’t asking for money just advice. So, give your advice and move on.

It’s their life. Maybe they feel they need a little comfort and don’t want to be crammed into a tiny car at their age.

I scrimped and saved my whole life and hubby and I still share a car in our retirement. But it’s a nice one.

Everyone makes their own choices. Also remember, you can’t take it with you. Just a thought.

Good luck in the future.

[Christina]

We keep our financial health private. Nobody needs to know the sacrifices we have made or how many millions we have saved.

Once you stop sharing information, people will stop caring about it and stop expecting.

I also don’t compare what we do to what others are doing.

I couldn’t care less how others spend their money and likewise, nobody should care how you spend yours if you draw boundaries.

[Sushant]

Funny this popped up,I was just talking about this on a walk with a friend. As Dave Ramsey says, “Live like no one else, so later you can live like no one else.”

I didn’t feel the need to explain myself. We bought our first townhouse—a foreclosed property—for $100K, even though I was making close to six figures. Lived there for 7 years.

Drove the same car for over 12 years. Friends used to wonder why.

Well, maybe that’s why I was able to retire at 41.

And when people questioned our frugality—or asked for money, we didn’t reconcile, we redirected. We stayed focused on our own path.

Because wealth isn’t about flaunting—it’s about freedom.

[Diann]

You can say “Oh gosh, I’m so sorry, we just don’t have any extra money budgeted for that.” or “We have given you money time and time again, yet you’re still in the same situation years later.

Do you have an idea of what would help you? I really want you to get on the right path to live the life of your dreams, I really, really do! Since giving you money doesn’t seem to help you, we just cannot to do that.”

What does yoir husband say about his parents asking for help?

Also, he should handle this, because if I understand correctly, they’re his parents and asking you to lease a car for them when you and your husband share a car.

You dealing with it could lead to resentment on both sides-Yours because you’re having ro freaking deal with it knowing how hard you have sacrificed AND them even asking in the first place AND them acting like you’re the Sears Wishbook and figuring out exactly which car they’d like YOU to lease for them AND them possibly getting mad at you for whatever reason.

You and your husband need to decide what you want to do and let him handle it. I am really hoping he thinks the whole plan is banana pants crazy.

I feel for you. Having boundaries can be difficult, especially around people who want to help you spend your money.

[Robert]

There are variety of ways to respond to this… And there is no “ one size fit all”.

When people assume I have a fair amount of money;) and some of my immediate and extended family know), and they have asked me for assistance; if I think it’s a worthy cause, yes, I will help. Otherwise, I will state the following ….”

I understand that you need assistance; but my current circumstances do not allow me to provide such assistance.” Or, if they are asking me to enable a bad habit or poor choices, I have no problem saying “ I refuse to enable your poor choices and bad habits, and that is all I’m gonna say about the matter.”

(how DID I lose that job at the State Department? It’s a total mystery!) as far as I’m concerned, you do not owe anyone an explanation for your current circumstances; nor do you owe anyone an explanation for why you are not willing to assist them in the way they believe they need to be assisted.

It’s YOUR money; and I presumed you earned it honestly- and the choices you make with it are no one else’s business.

At the risk of sounding sarcastic… This is not nuclear physics.

[Eric]

Well, I really resonate with what you’re saying I encounter this conversations a lot with my clients. Generosity, when it comes from a cheerful and willing heart, is a beautiful thing but it’s hard when people only see the results of your sacrifices, not the path it took to get there.

We’ve experienced the same sharing one vehicle, biking in the suburbs to meet obligations, grinding through school and work without handouts, skipping luxuries for years all so we could build something stable and lasting.

But when people, even family, make assumptions based on appearances or comforts we’ve earned, it can feel invalidating.

The hardest part is that they often see what we have as ‘extra’ rather than the product of discipline, planning, and real sacrifice.

Most struggle with how to balance compassion and healthy boundaries because while they want to help, I also believe people need to take responsibility for their own choices.

It’s tough to navigate that tension, especially when it feels like your sacrifices are invisible.

How do you draw the line between generosity and enabling?

[Michael]

You honestly have to keep your life very private. Unfortunately they can see your house in an affluent neighborhood. We live in a more middle class neighborhood.

We also don’t post any pictures on social media, and do not describe trips or experiences in details.

Details allow people to ‘count your money’. Tone it down for people who see you everyday, and be flashier out with strangers.

[Author]

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