[Julia]

Getting married when you’ve both been divorced but are near FIRE…I’m engaged. We are both older with decent assets. Asset wise, he holds about 2/3 of our estate if we get married in a few months but he makes 10 times what I do.

This is importantly bc his lifestyle needs are greater than I ever envisioned on my own. He’s 6 years older and expects me to retire with him when I’m 54 in 2 years.

My FIRE age to hit what I was comfortable with before meeting him was 57-59.

He wants a prenup which I’m totally fine with as I have assets too. But he’s saying that a prenup exists to ensure that if I retire early with him, and we split up 5, 10, or even 19 years later, I’d need to pay him back for anything he spent from his retirement and investments beyond his pension and social security.

I’m concerned I wouldn’t be able to afford to payback the lifestyle we create together. Is that how it works?

I think he’s most concerned about supporting us in the first few years of retirement before I can access my assets and more equitably contribute to annual income.

He’s even mentioned if we retire and I drop dead 4 years later, then he is “out” the money he spent on our retirement and would expect restitution from my estate before it goes to my children.

None of this feels nice but maybe that’s to be expected about these difficult conversations?

[Heather]

Wait, he can decide to break up with you in the future and you owe him money?

Nope!

[Lisa]

What about the fact that you stepped away from the workforce early because he expected you to retire with him?

Shouldn’t he owe you the earning potential you missed because of him.

This person sounds awful. Sorry.

[Frank]

Nah, don’t marry that person under those terms. How would you even track that? How ridiculous.

And controlling and weird.

[Monique]

WTF? That’s all I got.
Only reasonable prenup would be each retaining their assets if you divorce. Retroactive repayment is crazy and a red flag.

He’s going to use a spread sheet for every cup of coffee and bottle of water.

Think long about that. Phew.

[Melissa]

Major red flags! Sounds like he will always hold money over your head. Walk/run away.

[Kristin]

There is nothing saying I love you and want to spend all my life with you in his statements at all.

[Christine]

He doesn’t sound like someone I would want to marry, but if you do, it doesn’t seem like you should change your FIRE age.

Keep working and know that whatever you do, you will always be responsible for supporting yourself.

So, live within YOUR means, not his.

[Sarah]

Red flag. Red flag Red flag!!!! He is worried about his money, his money his money. He makes 10X what you do and only brings in 2/3 of the assets?

He expects you to retire before you hit your FI number AND expects to be reimbursed for money he contributes to help support you before the money goes to your kids??! Hell No.

If I was as in your situation I would end the relationship. If you need someone else to give you a gentler message: Hire an attorney who will tell you the how to protect your assets.

This does not seem fair, reasonable or any kind of equal to me.

[Amethyst]

Why do either of you even want to get married in the first place? I would just recommend not getting married. Keep that out of the equation.

And if you do get married, keep your finances completely separate.

Don’t let him support you.

Stick to your original retirement plan. Live your life like you have been and don’t agree to let him trap you with his money.

[Rise]

I’m so sorry. I know it’s difficult to find someone older and in a similar place to you, even though he has more assets.

That’s not love.

[Ami]

I’m sorry no. This is major red flags. You don’t get to get “paid back” if the marriage fails. If he wants you to retire early with him then he should be comfortable using that money.

I personally would hold off on getting married and mixing funds.

[Chiara]

You are hurting yourself financially by retiring early with him.
He then gets paid back, there’s no risk to him but a lot to you.
There’s nothing in this for you.

He’s even wanting money from your estate if you drop dead?!

He’s treating you as a s worker, worrying about getting his moneys worth.

Run for the hills

[Cathy]

That sounds horrible.
I can see protecting assets, but expecting payback is crap
I wouldn’t agree to the prenuptial and if he insisted, I would not marry him

[Dawn]

Does he have other weird money behaviors or ideals? This is a super weird thing to put in a prenup.

[Kimber]

Um that’s not how this works a prenup is to prevent either party from leaving the marriage with assets the other party brought into a marriage- NOT for some cheapo to keep a tab on what he’s spent… ON HIS SPOUSE no less!

He wants you to leave the workforce before you hit fire, lose out on those investments, to stay in step with his plan AND charge you for the privilege?

That would be a hard pass for me.

[Brooke]

Sure. As long as he pays you back for the lost income and interest you would have had on those earnings had you not retired early.

In all honesty, this sounds insane and like a recipe for an unhealthy relationship which will end in financial disaster for you.

Hard pass.

[Nalani]

That is definitely not “what prenups are for.” I’ve never heard of asking to be paid back. And that is especially crazy if he “expects you to retire with him.” He sounds pretty self-centered and I bet he justifies it by saying divorce showed him he has to protect himself.

While that sentiment isn’t wrong, he is 100 miles past reasonable.
Don’t do this.

This would give him ultimate power over you by threatening divorce. And he will simultaneously pressure you into spending money and then use it as a weapon against you.

I am all for a prenup but this is not normal and it would be a horrible foundation for a relationship.

[Bayleigh]

I would not be getting married if this is how my husband laid out our finances together.

My husband is significantly older than me, & everything down the last penny is & has always been “ours”, I haven’t worked in 3 years.

Not bragging, but just.. having a hard time comprehending how someone who claims to love you would even say something so out of touch.

[Tim]

This has some red flags. If you go on a trip as a couple that he suggested, is it free to you now but you owe him for if a divorce occurs in future?

Do you get his assets if he dies 1st?

[Pam]

I’m planning to marry in the not too distant future and working on how our prenup will be worded and work. I have significantly higher assets and a significantly higher income.

I’m just wanting to protect the money and home I will enter into the marriage with.

I have one smallish source of income I want to put in my investments monthly and protect (money directly related to the death of my husband) for my granddaughters.

But the higher income that I will use to help fund our more expensive lifestyle than what he could afford I consider our marital funds.

I’m retired and he’s still probably 15 years away. I want him to max out his retirement savings during our marriage. I want to see him protected and provided for if I die first. He’ll get the house if I pass first.

I love him and our income (minus the aforementioned small amount) will be used to benefit us both. He won’t owe me a dime if we get divorced.

He’ll walk away better off financially than before our marriage. I have no problem with that or helping to elevate his lifestyle.

What your man is suggesting sounds selfish and out of line.

I personally would walk away from the whole relationship because you are never going to be a team of any kind. But if you still want to be with him, don’t marry him.

Do what you can afford to do and let him travel alone while living a lifestyle you can afford.

[Janet]

No this doesn’t sound fair to me. I get prenup where you don’t get his assets but paying you back when he expected you to retire early at 54 and essentially stop earning in your prime earning years?

No way.

And pay him back? Doesn’t sound like love to me.

[Author]

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