[USER]

My spouse and I have been unhappy for a long time, and are considering a separation and possible divorce. We are not angry, and would want to do this in a cordial and fair way.

We have a 3 y/o autistic child. Assets: 1 paid off townhome- purchased at $167,000, and it will sell for $300k. We each own older paid off cars that we would keep.

Each spouse wants to keep their individual savings as well as their individual 401k.

Where would we even start? Neither party wants to make this more costly than it needs to be. Is there a way we could have this cordially mediated without hiring 2 divorce attorneys?

Biggest concerns are child custody, child support/child expenses, and the sale/proceeds of the paid-for townhome.

Please no judgment, we are defeated enough.

[Sarah]

My divorce was amicable, we agreed on the division and parenting plan.

We wrote it up using templates in our States law library then mutually paid for a lawyer to review the documents on behalf of us both.

I was divorced for under $1000.

Do you agree on the list of “biggest concerns” you both have?

[Dawn]

We were able to hire a collaborative attorney. Technically, she was my attorney, but worked with both of us to draw up a separation agreement.

We agreed on everything on our own, so there was nothing to fight about.

You can start with that route, and if it becomes contentious, you could always then hire your own attorneys.

My whole divorce cost me $1750, which we split. We both felt it was better to save the money for our children versus giving it to attorneys.

I imagine you would sell the house and split the proceeds equally. Are you planning on 50/50 custody? Does one person make a lot more than the other?

[Brene]

Food for thought that divorce is significantly higher among parents of kids with autism.
I have a child from a different partner and remarried to someone with a child that has autism.

Parenting strains and controversy over what is “right” for the child only get harder to navigate once divorced.

Maybe consider specifically addressing these issues while married. Also maybe really set aside respite (or babysitter) time.

My spouse and I both acknowledge that we are better parents because we only have our kids part time, so we are more present when they are with us.

Yet every holiday, family event, milestone ect… we don’t have them is absolutely gutting.

My husband or I would be happy to converse more about the pros and cons.

[Tikvah]

Mediation is great for anything you need to hash out. Otherwise depending on your state a non contested divorce is your best route.

If it allows me too I will post pictures of things to be considered/agreed upon between parties for it to stay uncontested.

[Gretchen]

We used a mediator which made it much easier for us and definitely less expensive than using lawyers.

How many sessions you need depends on how much you agree on.

Look in your area for recommendations.

[Stahlman]

As someone who has been divorced and working through marriage issues I really think you should try to stay together.

Perhaps counseling to root out the real reason as to why you are unhappy, being unhappy may not even be a marriage issue.

Could be related to the stress of the childcare or unhappy at work. Just a thought.

[Jeremy]

No judgement, and I VERY much understand feeling “defeated enough.” I have a 14 year-old with very significant autism and it has been a hard road for the entire family.

The fact that you say you are “considering a separation and possible divorce” says to me that you’re not there yet.

Your child is still very young and you probably have no real idea what their future will look like.

My child was diagnosed around the same age as your child and honestly, when I look back at old pictures and videos, his development actually dropped off significantly as he got older. That’s not said to scare you, just my experience.

Being a parent of a child with special needs is HARD! REALLY REALLY HARD. It’s hard for two parents working together and it’s even harder for someone doing it on their own.

I apologize in advance if you’ve “already done that” but I would highly highly highly encourage you to seek out the best possible counselor/coach you can find that has expertise in working with couples that have children with special needs.

Your needs are NOT/NOT the same as a couple with neurotypical children.

You need specialized support. And it only works if both of you are really committed to trying to make it work. And it still might not work.

And if you’ve already done all of that and either you and/or your partner are simply done and can’t do anymore, keep your child’s interests at the center of your discussion and you can move forward with the advice everyone else has given you here.

But I would also encourage you too seek out a specialist that has experience working with your situation to help walk you through your unique situation.

And much of this will depend on where on the spectrum your child sits. And that will likely change as your child ages.

In my opinion, anything you can do to hold your family together in a way that supports all involved is worth whatever effort it requires.

But I also acknowledge sometimes that just isn’t how it goes.

[Lisa]

Someone will need to hire an attorney and file the paperwork. The attorney will run your child support calculation based on the state requirements that you live in.

If you both agree, you proceed.

If you don’t, then you mediate if you can’t find a compromise.

[Ashley]

My ex husband and I agreed on everything, so we submitted a non contested divorce and didn’t even need to go through mediation or attend a court hearing.

However, we didn’t have children, and that may possibly change things in your situation.

Best bet would be to reach out to your county court for more information about what would be required, but I seriously doubt you’ll be forced to lawyer up if you both want to avoid that route.

All the best to you.

[Emily]

Hi, I divorced as well so no judgement from me. I was lost where to start so here’s what I did. We were able to amicably divorce without paying a lawyer.

We lived separately for 1 year and separated our financial lives before being divorced.

We owned a home together and she stayed in it while I moved out. Once we were separated financially, we wrote out an excel document with all the money we have in each account (retirement accounts, home equity, bank accounts, etc). and fairly distributed everything.

She kept our marital home and we have an agreement that she has to pay me quarterly to buy me out of my half of the equity, if she sells the house then I get my half.

We presented that excel document to the court and we didn’t have any issues.

Selling your home is a million times easier, but that wasn’t a good option for us.

Also, my new partner has two kids, and he was divorced too. He was able to settle the divorce amicably without lawyers using friend of the court for custody arraignments. They have 50/50 custody week on/week off.

His ex wife pays him for half of the kid’s health insurance at the beginning of the year since he pays for it through is employer, no one pays child support.

It can be done without paying lawyers if you are willing to work together and can be fair to each other!

[Ashley]

The biggest concern for you all is future medical and care decisions. Someone needs to have final say and as amicable as it is now, that can change as your child gets older.

[Anony]

Going through it currently and explored all options.
Settled on one party hiring an attorney (technically representing me), but agreed on everything beforehand.

We have multipe properties and different retirement accounts (401k, pension plans, etc.), so felt that legal advice on how to fairly split assets was needed.

Getting close to the finish line!

[Dan]

You may want to reach out to a CDFA to help you fairly divide assets. They are way more affordable than an attorney, but will work with the attorney to just file the divorce.

So, if it comes to that, that’s what it sounds like would be a great option.

Aside from that, I certainly hope that you guys can get the supportand therapy.

You need to rehab your lives together and rebuild a new life going forward!

[Huffman]

My divorce was amicable and we agreed on everything before meeting with a lawyer to draw up the papers and used a lawyer that offered a flat rate for a non contested divorce.

It was fairly cheap and fast once papers were finally signed.

I will say when it comes to custody do a good parenting plan that you are both comfortable with and follow it—it’s hard because you don’t want to be too strict because you also have to abide by those rules, but don’t be too vague that problems arise later.

That is what I am dealing with now and is costing all the money.

What once was a great, amicable coparenting relationship between us that was super flexible and very child centered has turned to a nightmare when my children’s father got a new partner that derailed our coparenting.

This has landed us in family court with the fees still climbing because we never really followed the plan that was put in place because we got along so well for years.

This has been way harder emotionally and financially than the divorce ever was. If I could go back I would have had some parameters in place for how things would be handled as far as the kids involvement when we each got new partners.

I would have followed the parenting plan visitation with each parent completely as written.

I would have also included provisions for vacation time for each parent and parameters about who is/is not acceptable for childcare providers.

Much easier and cheaper to handle everything now rather than having to go back later.

There are some good groups that have recommendations but really I’d say just take the time to think about it and imagine what you would want should you and your soon to be co-parent not be able to work things out amongst yourselves and had to follow a written plan.

[Ellie]

Hi. Yes, you can do this. My ex and I just did a spreadsheet and brought it to the mediator. Our state cared about child custody arrangements, and didn’t seem to care about the division of assets we’d decided on.

A couple of things the mediator can help you talk through is how to manage child expenses, pay for college/care, etc.

Congratulations on getting to this point and being fair and loving. Keep centering your child.

You’ll all get through this – it will get better.

[Power]

No one is going to judge you. Divorce is one of the best things that can happen to you (if you’re in a marriage that doesn’t work.
Can each of you afford to buy homes again?

If you cannot, you may want to consider keeping the home and having one pay out the other via 401K.

You really didn’t provide enough information for people to advise.
As a divorced woman.

The only thing I regret about my divorce? Not having done it sooner.

You got this.

[JoNell]

We hired one lawyer. Told them what we agreed on. He wrote it up and that was that.

The child support was a bit trickier because the state has an equation which was insane so the fact he agreed to less than the state wanted me to pay (I’d never have been able to pay it) made it tricky and had to be worded correctly.

Good luck.

Can be done. Have 4 kids and we co parented well and always put the kids first

[Author]

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