[USER]

I’m gathering information for my sister who is looking at filing for divorce. SHE IS GETTING A LAWYER so no concerns about that. I’m just looking for other helpful things she can do.

Backstory is her husband has an issue with alcohol. 3 years ago he got a DUI and said he would stop.

He did go to AA and have an interlocking device on his car. All that was court mandated for 9 months but as soon as the court mandated things were over he stopped.

My family doesn’t drink at all so my sister just thought he had overcome it.

After a year of sobriety she decided she wanted a baby. They had my nephew in Nov of 2023. Well turns out he is drinking again and worst than that he is driving. She won’t let him drive with their son anymore.

He is begging her to stay and she is hiding keys and taking them away as much as she can but he comes home drunk after work. He goes to a bar and then drives home.

The thought of him hurting someone is making her sick. She’s meeting with attorneys and is ready to file but told him the only glimmer she would stay is if he goes to a 30 day in patient treatment and she also wants a post nup.

He declined inpatient rehab because “he’s not that kind of alcoholic. He just needs some help.”

She told him this weekend she wants to divide their shared bank account and he agreed if it gave her peace of mind. They have a joint checking account where they are paying bills. Obviously her biggest priority is my nephew.

She wants to be able to get custody and move 1 state over where we live (me and my parents).

We think he might consider a custody agreement where she is able to do that with unlimited visitation and time with him. In all honesty, he’s lazy.

He can’t make it through 3 hours of being solo with him on a Saturday while she is out. There is no way he will do full on baby duty.

If a divorce is not contentious is a mediator a good idea? Does she have to have a lawyer?

For a post nup what is the best way she can protect herself? Obviously, they would divide assets 50/50 and they would each keep their individual retirement accounts.

Luckily for her she’s not on the mortgage to the house but is on the deed.

How do they split day to day expenses? I told her things with their son should be 50/50 but their mortgage should be closer to 70/30 or 65/35. He makes 200k and she makes 135k.

Any other tips? She’s only 34 and this will be the first divorce in the family.

She spent the last few weeks kicking herself for “being dumb” and not seeing the signs. We worked through those things and she will be going to therapy.

She has our full support. My parents are retired and told her if she can’t come to us then they would move in with her so she didn’t have to worry about doing everything solo.

They will take care of the baby and the house/cooking/cleaning (I know our parents are awesome).

My husband told her she should be fine financially but we will help with any expenses including paying for a lawyer. She doesn’t want to take our money but I’m sure it’s comforting to know she isn’t 100% on her own.

Any other input? She’s 95% done but if he doesn’t inpatient rehab she might consider staying but wants to protect her and her son financially.

[Ashley]

I don’t know much about the divorce advice, but the alcoholism is an addiction. It’s not being lazy or having fun.

It needs medical attention and intervention as well as support.

It’s likely not something he can just quit.

[Allison]

My in laws just got divorced (with a shared 13 year old child). He’s also very lazy and did not contest the divorce. An uncontested divorce in rural GA was $3,500.

The attorney did everything. She submitted all of their bills, debts, incomes, etc.

the attorney calculated child support and alimony. The divorce decree clearly states she is released from any liability of his vehicle (in case he did something stupid and hurt someone).

I highly highly recommend her talk to an attorney. The attorney made it all very simple and told her exactly what to do.

He even included in the divorce papers that the husband pay half of the attorney fees. They both came in the office and signed papers, then she and her attorney went to court 30 days later to make it official.

It was a very quick process.

[Dawn]

An attorney is better than mediation, and if it’s amicable, you could even use one, collaborative attorney just to make sure paperwork is done correctly and that the two of you are thinking through all the things that need to be considered, or at least this is available in N.C.

My divorce was a total of $1750, and ex and I split the bill.

Honestly, I’d offer him to forgo child support and alimony if he allows her to leave with the baby, assuming she can keep her salary or find a comparable one if she moves.

She can facilitate visits whenever he wants to see baby, but I would not want to leave baby in his care alone.

[Kristin]

I just want to say that I empathize with her struggle. She is seeing the good parts of him she fell in love with and has hope he will change.

Unfortunately, if his alcoholism is that bad, it is unlikely he is going to become the husband she wants from him.

It’s hard, but she should stick to her guns and cut her losses now so her son doesn’t have to grow up full time with an alcoholic in the house.

I applaud you and your family for helping her. She needs support and it is great you are there for her.

He will not change until he is ready and he isn’t giving any indication that he’s ready.

[Cheryl]

A 30-day rehab is nothing. My daughter did a 90-day last year after a week detox for alcohol. But she wanted it, so she continues to be happily sober.

She might consider documenting his alcohol use with driving and with their child. Also, child costs are almost never a 50/50 thing – most states have a complex formula for determining that breakdown.

Some states have worksheets online for that.

It’s likely that he will have to agree to her moving out of the area or they will have to have a detailed plan for how visitation will be handled in an equitable way – once the alcohol use is taken into account.

Her attorney really is better suited to guide her at this point.

[Sarah]

Unlimited visitation?? That essentially means he can take the child anytime he wants, for however long he wants.

Your sister has a child and assets involved (and there’s no guarantee her husband won’t get nasty), so she should hire a lawyer.

With divorce, there are no do-overs. It’s not worth taking a chance of messing it up.

[Kerri]

This is a safety issue for your nephew. Personally, I wouldn’t agree to anything less than supervised visitation until he completes another rehab program and proves that he can stay sober.

She needs to protect her son more than financially.

Financially speaking, I’d be very concerned of losing everything if he kills somebody driving drunk. That would be one of the first questions I’d be asking the attorney.

Everything you laid out here, have ready to ask the attorney. Even in mediation I would not be without legal representation.

I’d have her start making copies of all financial information, tax returns, even text messages admitting he’s been drinking. Anything you can provide to the lawyer information wise saves you money in the long run and it also gives them a full picture of what’s going on.

She needs to have all of that offsite in a safe place and have an emergency plan.

If he comes home drunk and figures out she is leaving, he could turn on her very quickly. Secured email account, emergency cash, etc.

At this point, I wouldn’t care what he agreed to unless it was treatment and in that case, she might consider a legal separation.

[Maxine]

He will not get better snd can’t get better right now because he doesn’t believe he’s an alcoholic.

And even when he does fully accept that he is, there’s a less than 5% long term success rate for people overcoming alcoholism. He’ll get better for a while then fall off the wagon again.

Then he’ll get better and fall off again. Each fall off the wagon will get worse and cause more damage.

He’ll continue to blame people, places, and things for his problem.
This is what the disease does.

And telling him to stop drinking is pointless. It’s like telling someone to stop having cancer.

Alcoholism is a disease, there’s no cure for it. There are treatments but they require compliance, and alcoholics don’t like to comply with anything because they don’t see a problem.

Their brain has been hijacker by booze and they don’t think like normal people anymore.

Divorce laws (family law) is different in various areas.

If she’s going for an actual divorce (not just a legal separation) she will need a divorce. You can’t just keep the house in both names and his name on the mortgage.

The assets have to actually be divided legally, house transferred into one persons name, and equalization payments calculated etc.

I have watched what this disease can do to people and their families. The only thing a 30 day in treatment does is basically detox his body.

It won’t stop the cravings for booze, it’ll just cleanse it out of his body for now. In all likelihood he’ll cone out and will be sober for a few months and will revert back into the throws of addition again.

The most important thing she can do for her son is to not let him grow up in the presence of an alcoholic. No matter how much everybody wants to believe it won’t affect him, it will.

He will not be the adult he could or should be if he grows up with an alcoholic father.

[Michelle]

Expenses for a child aren’t 50/50 in case of divorce. It follows an income formula based on time with the child and can vary state by state. She should use that.

I also recommend that she go to Al-Anon as the partner of an alcoholic.

[Monique]

I would suggest she attend Al anon in addition to the therapy. She will find the strength and support she needs there since she has been affected by his drinking.

There is no way I would agree to any sort of unsupervised visitations with an alcoholic.

[Regina]

I’m sorry she is dealing with all of this stress. It sounds like protecting your nephew long term is a big priority. Moving, making sure she gets custody as dad can’t care for himself or the baby etc.

(if he showed long term improvement that could change…) I know of an affordable advocate who is top notch in these situations.

And cheaper than attorneys. She can make recommendations and your sister can do that part on her own wo an attorney. Feel free to DM me.

[Kelly]

They should both have to maintain life insurance policies with son as beneficiary.

Have attorney spell out that he covers medical insurance for son and that they share cost for college.

It’s a long time, but it needs to be spelled out!

[Marge]

She should get a safe deposit box and put her cash and sentimental jewelry there for safe keeping.

[Jocelyn]

Something to consider…if she leaves and moves away, then his time with their son would be unsupervised.

If he has not controlled his drinking prior to her leaving, it is unlikely this will make him do so which puts her son at risk during every visit (many that will be days to weeks long if she moves out of state).

I’m sorry she is going through this and understand why she wants to be near her support system but visitation safety should also be a consideration.

[April]

Unfortunately, if he doesn’t want to help himself, he can’t get help from others. Usually addictions have other mental illnesses associated with it as they use alcohol as an escape route.

I think she’s on the right path, start acting as if everything is separated now and make it very clear from a legal perspective they are separating (living in separate rooms, paying for things for herself, etc.).

I hope she’s documenting his behavior in case their custody battle become contentious and showing clear signs he has a pattern of poor behavior.

From statistics, mandated rehab does not work 90% of the time unfortunately. People usually relapse within a year if they did not choose rehab themselves.

I would start the single parenting now and demonstrate to courts too that she has been the primary care taker of their son.

[Annie]

He may be too lazy to watch their kid now, but many times that changes and they suddenly want 50/50 custody so that he won’t have to pay so much child support.

Your sister should know the court may mandate that she can’t move out of the county if they share custody.

Hopefully it doesn’t get contentious and come to that, but your sister should be prepared.

[Eric]

This is hard 🙁 coming from a family where everyone has been divorced with young kids in my family and all of them had to do with addiction of some sort I totally understand.

All 3 of my siblings went through this and 2 of them had kids under 1 years old.

The bad part is once the divorce happens the addiction doesn’t stop and the exes still can drive around and neglect their children high or drunk. I wished I had better advice.

I agonized non stop but luckily the kids are getting older now and grown up. All I could do is be there as much as I could for my siblings. Help with childcare.

I paid for a wedding and 2 divorces that weren’t mine. It’s really a wild and sad situation.

Good job supporting your sibling

[Amanda]

Some geographic info would be helpful. My main concern would be him going for 50/50 so as to pay less child support, and then driving drunk with the kid in the car.

In my state they give everyone 50/50 pretty much, from my understanding (excepting only those with extensive, violent criminal records).

One thing she could do is file first (before he does), in the location where your parents live, and try to establish residency over there. That way he can’t block her from moving.

[Jeanne]

Yes, she should get an attorney. If they are going to discuss and split bank accounts now I suggest they place something in writing because he can come back and say she took it and she may have to reimburse that.

Never assume what we agree is 50/50 now will be done so later.

The other glaring issue is she wants to divorce to protect her son but then give him visitation unlimited and unsupervised? She needs to reconsider that.

She can’t be getting a divorce because she’s concerned he’s driving drunk but then give her child over for weeks because she moved one state over to be closer to family support.

She can move and not feel guilty.

[Theresa]

I have no advice regarding the divorce, but she should consider Al-Anon – it’s a support group for spouses of alcoholics.

She could find some solace and support there…plus they may have tips on her divorce/custody journey

[Melissa]

Has she been married more than ten years? If so this could help her later in life with social security if she does not remarry before age 60.

My plan is to start my own benefit at age 62 and then switch at age 67 to survivor benefit at age 67 based on my ex ss.

For some people they might start survivor at age 60 (if ex has passed away already) and then switch to their own maximized benefit at age 70.

Sadly I have met many people who divorced at 9 year mark which gives no ex benefits from ss.

[Rachael]

I’m in California and also divorced my alcoholic ex husband. She needs documentation of the alcoholism, the DUI should be telling, but still it’s often her word against his.

Any other proof will help her case. If he fights her leaving the state with the kid, then she will need to stay in California because any disputes on moving states, even counties, can require psychological evaluation of all parties involved and is very costly.

I don’t think there’s a need to get a post-nuptial, just divorce and separate the assets, this can be negotiated through a mediator.

Also, there may be free legal services at the courthouse to help with the paperwork and give advice.

I did the entire divorce myself without a lawyer but didn’t have any assets to split up at the time.

[Kelly]

Whoever has the child the most should claim them on the taxes. Most alternate years but irs regulations state differently.

Take out a life insurance policy on him in case something happens.

If he is responsible for the policy, it will be unknown if he is paying it.

[Heather]

I assume she will seek alimony. Ask that he takes out a whole life insurance policy with a specified amount until he is retirement age, with her named as beneficiary in the event he is unable to pay alimony.

Sadly, it’s a deadly disease.

[Erin]

The house should be sold due to liability with his drunk driving. Sell the house and split the proceeds. Split everything and get out clean.

His alcoholism can ruin their lives.

[Dee]

30 days of inpatient rehab is just the tip of the iceberg. On average, it takes an addict 7 years of sobriety to not relapse and stay sober for good.

Ask her if she can do the back and forth of him being sober/intoxicated/sneaky for the next 7 years.

If the answer is no, then I would file for divorce as soon as she has all the financials worked out.

And she can start with a mediator, especially if he’s agreeable to her wishes, but if he’s not, she needs to consult with all the top divorce lawyers in her county. Best of luck.

She’s lucky to have the support of you and your parents

[Author]

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